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Adrienne Furney
December 31st, 1996

Who would know skipping a few meals here and there and dieting could lead to slow and painful death. I started out by watching what I was eating and exercising compulsive. I wanted to be thin and I wanted to be perfect. I would compare myself to others constantly saying how fat I was and how perfect they were. I felt like I was a nobody and needed to be thin to get noticed. I had no idea that my thinking would turn to a total nightmare. The hell began in 1993 when I was cutting back on my intake.I started slow and then became bulimic if I did eat beacuse of feeling so guilty. That never lasted to long because the blood scared me after coughing it up. I then stoped eating fat and then eventually was eating next to nothing. Not only did I loose weight but I lost myself I was nothing I was a walking skeleton that could not feel, see, or understand anything. Suddenly the world was moving fast and became such a blurr. I was living with the joys of anorexia. I denied my sickness and I swore that I was in control. I felt it was my idenity and my bestest friend. It was something I turned to for I know longer hadto face this world and the problems to go with it. I was so afraid of letting it go for not knowing who I ould become or where I would be. I depended on it and begain to believe it was the only life for me. I was in therapy and my parents tried everything but after awhile they knew it was hopeless because I failed to listen. The doctors and therapist and my parents of course thought it was to late I had gone to far they could not wait to a bed was open in sick kids so they admitted me in my local hospital for the mean time. It was horrible for me I hated every minute of it. The doctors never thought I was going to make it and that was it I would die in the hospital. I still was in denial and had no idea on the whole thing all I knew was that I know longer felt thin I felt more like a balloon, I had to continue but it was no longer to be thin it was the feeling of being in control. The thinner I became the fatter I felt. I had to eat in there I had no choice it was either that or feeding tube. I cried and I pulled tricks though let me tell ya there actually funny now. Well I suprised everyone I made it through till sick kids. Now that was total hell. I was on complete bed rest and my heart was very un stable. I had to have 12 cans of ensure a day. I was a mess and even tried to escape. Nothing was working ith me I was hopeless. I agreed later with the program just to get my parents to believe it was all over with for I could come home. It worked and I did it all over again. It was even worse this time but something happened in 1996 to really make me wake up and see the light. I was at a wedding and fell unconcious and was barely breathing and rushed to emergency but on machines. I lived through it though and I saw the light. I knew that I was given a second chance and the cards were in my hands, no more fooling around. It's either i eat and live or not eat and die. The road to recovery was a long hard battle but there is a finishing line and you'll never feel so honoured to cross in all your life. It's hard getting there with all the hard work and effort but it's worth the fight. You deserve to live and be set free. The troll inside has taken over and you have to fight and fight hard for your life. Your worth the jump and you won't discover that to you recover. It took me hitting rock bottom to discover that each day is a lesson and we all learn from our mistakes and not everyone is perfect so why even try to be. Be yourself cause that is what life is all about. Good day's can let you down and bad days can make you strong in the end!!!!

Here's a poem I wrote when I was so sick

There's this creature that lives inside
a devil in disguise
he makes up games
and makes me try
he plays with my mind
filling it up with lies
he builds me up
only to let me fall
will I ever gain control
or is it all just a waste of time
for your voice could never leave my mind
cause there could be no other kind!!!

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