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Anna
October 5th, 2001

I am writing because I hope it will help even one person to feel a little bit better and to realise that ED can be kicked for good. I don't really know where to start. I began to use eating disorders as a crutch and a coping mechanism at age 16 when I first went away to france and felt totally out of control as I wanted to go home and couldn't. I am grateful to my eating disorder now as it helped me to cope with terrible situations of my parents divorce my mothers alcoholism depression and eventual death. I had also been abused as a child by both my father and sister only once by each, but the memory used to haunt me.

But now I am well after 11 years of struggling with anorexia bulimia and compulsive over eating. It was only when I saw a wonderful therapist after my mothers death that i realised that the ED was a coping mechanism and I didn't have to be defined as a person by it - i could cope without it I just had to discover how.

That was 3 years ago and it has been an uphill battle since. Sometimes i would feel fine but then the panic would take over and I would become anti social again and could only think about what and when I could eat. But i continued to read and to really try to root it out and come to the bottom of it. I can say I am recoverED now but that is only because i continue to be 100% aware of the potential pitfalls and what could trigger it off again. I don't own a scales. I had to give so many clothes to oxfam. I had to stop buying clothes thinking that well, in a couple of months they will fit me when I loose a couple of pounds. I go to the gym now and am so proud of how I feel. I feel strong. I feel glowing inside. I used to avoid dating as I never felt I looked perfect enough and would always think that I will just wait until I lose more weight. Now I am ready to go out and know that they take me as I am. The best way to describe how I feel is completely free. I still make sure that I shall not be in situations that cause me too much stress or things like that and I always eat 3 meals a day. I never skip them. I am very proud of myself and think that I am a better person for what I have suffered. The simple things in life are so much better now. Like just realising that you didn't think of food all day. And when you go out to eat not worrying about what is the least calorie dish to eat. There were times when I was ill when I thought i was going mad and wondered how it came that I suffered so much. But now I am a much more understanding person because i can understand how someone can suffer from depression or ED and want it to go away but it doesn't. Sorry this is so long its hard to keep it short. I have no real answer for those who are still sick and looking to get better. I only have my story. I think that discovering your own personal vogage of recovery will be up to you and the most important aspect to being recovered.

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