click here to return to the list of
Recovery Stories

Anonymous
August 1, 1997

As I read through some of the other submissions, I was struck with the variety of approaches people were using to successfully live life free of anorexia. I'm 36 years old and it's been eight years since I've had to live at the mercy of a compulsion to practice my eating disordered behavior. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that freedom.

These eight years have been some of the most difficult and most fulfilling years of my life. I have experienced divorce, job loss, assault, out of state moves, major illness and multiple surgeries. Through all of it, I haven't had to purge, exercise excessively, weigh compulsively or starve myself. I've also enjoyed a new beginning in my career, a new part of the country and a wealth of true friends whose love I couldn't have earned and didn't have to.

I have come to understand abstinence as refraining from doing those things that are part of the manifestation of anorexia in my life. For example, particular items of food are not a problem for me, so I don't abstain from any particular foods. Weighing myself, purging, excessive exercise, starving, these cause me a world of trouble. Not doing those things constitutes abstinence for me. If I add too many things to the list of things that are part of abstinence for me, I can become as compulsively restrictive in abstinence as I was in practicing anorexia. Above all, it is important to me that eating not take on a punitive quality. I do prefer to eat real food instead of "diet" and other foods containing artificial sweeteners or fats, but it's a preference, not a rule.

The thing that made the difference for me was that I got to the point where I just had to recover. I couldn't stand to go on anymore. I recognized that I couldn't do it alone and that I needed more than human help. To give control of my life completely to God is a huge risk. I had no guarantees about what He would do. I hurt so much inside that I told God that I was willing to do anything to recover and be of service to Him, even if He intended me to weigh a million pounds. No conditions.

I had tremendous guilt over the things I had done in my life. The idea that anyone else had done them seemed impossible to grasp. I had to get free. Otherwise, I would either start the eating disordered behavior again or do something else harmful to myself in an attempt to exert some control over the way I felt. I took a really hard look at my life. Then I brought God with me an sat down with someone else, looked them straight in the eyes and told them everything.

Having looked at the mess I'd made of my life, I really knew I needed God's help to become different. I found it necessary to go to those I had harmed and do my best to make things right. That brought me freedom from the guilt and shame that had ruled my life. I still have to do that when I screw up and act badly. I keep asking God to help me.

I'm not a scholar of the scriptures, but somewhere in there I believe it says that of him to whom much has been given is much required. I have been given so much. In my experience, the gifts God gives are best enjoyed when they are shared with others who want them. When the opportunities arise to be helpful to someone suffering from anorexia, I suit up and show up. Even when they don't seem to get anything out of it, it reinforces for me how blessed I am to enjoy this recovery. I have had the privilege of watching others recover. To be a part of that is truly miraculous. I was dying when I began this recovery.

back to the list of Recovery Stories