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Anonymous
July 10th, 1997

I am a recovering anorexic/bulimic (I usually identify myself as a compulsive eater because that is the crux of my problem) and have struggled with this disease for 13 years.

I have been to treatment, tried therapy, anti-depressant medications including prozac, nutritionists, trainers, accupuncture, self-help books, diets, becoming vegetarian, becoming vegan, etc.... The list goes on and on. All of the above solutions provided only temporary relief from my problem. I always ended up hating myself. I have always gotten involved in abusive relationships, or at the very least, completely unsatisfying relationships and at the age of 24, I had no where else to go. I had no sense of who I was and it seemed like everything I touched turned to garbage. I tried to kill myself. I had always thought that I if I was thin and beautiful, my life would fall into place and people would love and respect me. I want you all to know that I worked as a professional model for a bit, graduated with a degree in art history from UC Berkeley and have been proposed to three times. I was an accomplished amateur dancer (I danced for my colleges dance company) but I never excelled at anything because I always lacked the courage and ability to follow through. I just knew that YOU would tell me was no good eventually so I preempted this by running. Incidentally, I am grateful that I ran from the proposals because my man picker was way off. They all were psycho. =)

I am not saying any of these things to boast. I am mentioning these things because it was in these material things that I looked for happiness.

I finally found recovery at the age of 25 in the 12 steps of Overeaters Anonymous (originally of Alcoholics Anoymous). Today, its not about the food, my body, my career, my looks. The only way I manage to find any peace is by absolving myself from the bondage of self and my self-centered fears. I had to find a God of my understanding and develop a relationship with him and learn to trust that his will for me was better than anything that I could conjure up for myself, that my best thinking led my to suicide and mental institutions (which it did).

I just want to say that find a "God" has not been easy for me. I grew up in both the Catholic and Buddhist churches and was inclined toward atheism by my intellectual training at Berkeley. However, this was the key and it is working. I am not saying it is easy, but it works. If you are as desperate as I was, please try to find some OA meetings with strong recovery. When, I say strong recovery, I mean a meeting where they talk about solutions rather than assigning blame. I spent many years blaming my parent, blaming the men that had treated me bad, blaming society, etc.... Life can deal some harsh blows, but as long as I am the victim, I have no opportunity to change. I am at the mercy of outside elements so to speak. Just to give an example, I always thought it was my parents fault because of how strict they were, the religious upbring, because I am biracial, because they hit me etc.... I ran away and my parents are I were estranged for several years. Today my "non-loving, overdemanding" father calls just to say hi, ask me when I am coming home to visit and tells me he loves me. I am the one who changed, not him. I forgave my parents and understood they did the best they could and started treating them as I wanted to be treated rather than waiting for them to make the first move that I thought they owed me. All that changed was my attitude.

In working the steps I looked at my part in a series of painful memories and say my part and made amends for my part and prayed to God to give me the ability to forgive. I know that I am not perfect so what right do I have to expect my parents to be. I know they did the best they could. Today I know they love me.

I have not thrown up, binged, taken laxatives, diuretics, or starved (sort of, this is the hard one for me) for about 1 year and 8 months. I eat sensibly today most of the time, and I feel healthier than I have in a long time. Most of the time I can eat and then go on to the next thing. I don't spend hours anymore obsessing on every bite. I have no idea how much I weigh because I threw out my scale but I do know that people consider me thin and I get compliments on my figure. But more importantly, I have great friends and I am honest with them and current in their lives. I have a wonderful loving boyfriend who is the man I had always imagined in my head. He is kind, understanding, respects me and loves me for everything I am. We have no secrets. He knows about my problem and supports what I need to do to stay in recovery. My life is good today. I have moments of peace where I can appreciate the sunshine and the birds singing. I know this sounds corny but I can't remember birds singing before because I was too self-obsessed.

If this is what you seek, find an OA meeting, get a sponsor and start working the steps with your sponsor. My life is not perfect and I still struggle at times, but what I am happier than I have ever been. My God Bless you all and keep you well.

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