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Recovery Stories

Barb
February 23rd, 1999

I remember a time when reading the recovery stories in The Other Side and, besides feeling really inspired, wondering when the time was going to come when I could sit and write my story of recovery. To be honest, I couldn't imagine the time ever coming; recovery was something other people could do, not me. I was going to be in therapy forever and endlessly trying to convince everyone that I could never seeing myself letting go of the "control" I had over my life, others lives and their feelings, and how controlling what I put into my body and keeping my weight down made everything so much more manageable and bearable. If I let go and relaxed about everything I obsessed about and stopped trying to fix everything in the universe, my life was worth nothing. Molehills were mountains, I caused people to have upset in their lives; I don't deserve to enjoy a meal or anything for that matter because someone else was worse off than I. I must not be happy as others aren't. These statements were what my daily thoughts were made up of, and what I lived by. Gospel.

I have been anorexic for now 6 years. I know it was triggered by a relationship gone wrong, the idea that if I lost some weight, (I was quite "chubby"), that he would care for me again. I lost some weight fast, and the "you look great" comments started. So, I felt I was on the right track. To make an already long story short, it didn't win back my beau, but it started me on the biggest mistake of my life; a totally misunderstood relationship with food, it having the upper hand, resulting into my warped thinking that if I keep losing weight and making the numbers on the scales my new God, then all in my life will be fine, nothing will ever go wrong again. I met a wonderful man shortly after my previous breakup and he gave me the love and confidence I needed to stop torturing myself so much, though I still had lots of "control". He wasn't aware of my E.D., as he thought I was always that thin, as did his family and friends. So, no one questioned me, except for my family and close friends, They had always questioned me and my large weight loss, but didn't know how to approach me. They worried on.

I married this great guy 2 and a half years ago, and I finally told him of my E.D. after I surrendered to the fact that it wasn't going to go anywhere unless I did something about it. What someone with an eating disorder, (or someone who knows someone with one) needs to realize is that it does not go away. There are so many issues involved in what makes this demon tick that I was shocked as I began therapy. I was beating myself up about so much in my life that I virtually had no control over. I didn't realize how much I hated myself and how I could learn to let go of so much baggage. One big obstacle in my recovery was a couple, who were supposed best friends of my husband and I. They learned of my ed, as I approached them, thinking they would be support persons for me. I was very wrong. Their reaction was cold indifference, almost to the point of questioning that I even had this problem. I allowed these people to regress my progress in therapy for months, not being able to understand why I could not make them understand that I was indeed sick. I never heard from them nearly as much and the subject of my problem was avoided at all costs. I felt alone and to blame for being a freak, that wasn't worth helping. If it was not for 2 friends in particular and my husband, I would not have been able to overcome that large mountain.

I am at the stage now that I never dreamed I would be at. Overcoming the demons in our minds which fuel an eating disorder is hard, very hard. But believe me, it is far from impossible. With the proper professional therapy and a great support system outside therapy, it is amazing what you can do. Sitting down to a meal and enjoying every forkful is the most freeing thing we can do, especially when for a very long time it was considered something we were unworthy of.

So, anyone in recovery, please know that it is so possible to be free!! But it is alot of work and there are so many things that will go through your head that you won't believe of yourself. But they are true; you are a great person and nothing or no one can make you feel like less than anyone else unless you give them permission to do so. Give yourself permission to ditch your rules and make new ones where YOU are the deserving one, because, at last, we do deserve to be happy.

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