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Recovery Stories

BB
October 30, 1999

I remember reading this website many times to find insight or comfort in my suffering from the e.d. . Negative emotions seemed so strong to me, they made my body feel something physically. I reacted physically. I hurt myself, punished my self, escaped, tried to see if "they" really did care about me if i were so skinny or so sick, and i tried to be the best (prettier, unbeatable,uncomparable). soon every emotion or every bad encounter with someone or every dissapointment set on an urge that invaded my mind....to binge/purge or starve, so i could feel nothing except what i choose to feel and so i could feel something physical that noone else can invade.

The path that led to my total downfall from the e.d. began with achievements, success, strength of mind and body, and control. When i went to college the eating didn't help me achieve anymore, nor help me cope. I eventually found food as a frightening thing that took over my mind. I skipped class, ate in bathrooms to throw up in secret. i neglected my money situation and grades. i became so numb. I smiled no longer cause all i saw in my life was food. and it was so scary. i cried to God to show me he was there yet i couldn't find him. I did not want to get out of bed, yet i knew inside somewhere i had so much inside of me...so much strength. but the food wouldn't let me think or work on anything else. so i cried. i stopped crying. i stopped living. i did not want to be seen. My body was the one who made me breathe despite these frightening emotions. I always saw greyness in the beauty i used to love in the orange sky, no matter how hard i tried to be touched by it's beauty. it was wierd. the grayness would only come through. and i'll never forget how i sat outside in the sun and i was unable to feel the sun rays touch me inside like it used to.

I became bitter towards people that suspected i had an e.d.. it was difficult putting up with calorie counting , fat content remarks from a roommate who tried to make the e.d. a joke. the anger still gets me inside. but i got her back , i won't mention how. it was suggested i leave school by the counselor (psychiatrist) i seeked help from on my own. he gave me confidence in telling my parents. in the end they did not give me the caring i wanted or understanding but blame and treated the e.d. as a mental problem their daughter has. but i made it.

slowly. you can make it. i was taught that there are choices to make when you feel overwhelmed by emotions that you want to deal with through food. i learned to let myself depend on help. i learned that i had to make a break from the things in my life that were neg.. yes, even if it's your family. you may have to live with them still, but you can distance yourself from them if they don't treat you well. you do need caring. i didn't think i did. but i like being cared about. i like it better than the way my family treated eachother as strangers or robots. you find new people to surround yourself with and soon you find that the negativity once put on you goes away. these are your beginning choices.

i wouldn't have recovered without the sympathetic , knowledgable counselor i found on campus who walked on the path with me. you can find help somewhere. in the summer i had sessions with a psychologist and nutritionist who were both present in my sessions once a week.my parents made me pay which angered me, but that money was worth it. Counseling helped and i encourage it so much because with both of them there they could comment on the food issues and emotional issues and work together with me. i was alone with my disorder besides my boyfriend who helped me eat everyday and watched me cry in distress and my counselors , my doctor, and my 2 life time friends going through a similar thing. but i made it. i continue to make it. though i continue to once in a while get an "urge" . and sometimes i binge and purge. i have made progress. i am living. i am not embarrassed to walk around because i eat right. i eat when i am hungry. i can stop eating when i think i have had enough. i don't crave chocolate like i used to. i eat meat often. i don't dream about food anymore, nor day dream about it in class, nor spend loads of money on it, or have a sore throat, dissiness and tingling.

i was given prozac for my depression and to help with the binging/purging. i have been on it now for 7 months. my grayness lifted, my severe binging urge decreased. my facial expressions returned. i could see the sun and feel it's warm rays touch me inside and out.

It's a long story. i just want to tell you that i know where you are coming from. i know the desperation you feel and i've been in the hole you can't get out of. Seek help for yourself. the real caring, feeling you is inside. you need help to find it. you have to begin shoveling out the negativity covering you. don't give up. seek help, seek help, seek help. try all your options. who cares what "they" will think, or how your family will react. it comes down to your life. you are not really going to live for them are you? no. break free. be strong. depend on help.

My psychologist and nutritionist once told me (when i was recovering) ...."we are your Tripple A, we can tell you the best way to get to your destination on the map, but you've got to follow the map".

if you want to talk i'll listen. i'll encourage you to get help. take care.

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