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Ben
June 25th, 2000

I have been in recovery from compulsive eating for close to a year now. Through the CEA-HOW 12 step program, I have been fortunate to lose a significant amount of weight as well as change my entire attitude on life. My story is probably simillar to many others who suffer from compulsive eating. I never remember feeling thin, always fat, even though pictures reveal that at times during my life I was thin. I went to several inpatiet eating disorder clinics through the years, and never was able to maintain recovery for any length of time. I think this was because I never really wanted to stop eating. I always pretended that I wanted to stop, but I think in my heart I didn't want to accept the fact that I was truely a compulsive eater. I had also tried 12 step groups (OA), but I didn't find my recovery there. My eating disorder got to the point where it seriously affected all areas of my life. I have had chronic asthma since birth and being obese did not help my health at all. I was hospitalized almost monthly with severe attacks, several of which required my admission in to intensive care. My eating disorder affected my self-esteem and created feelings of shame, guilt and hatred towards myself and all other people in my life. I was not able to tell the truth to myself or anyone else. I think if I had had the guts, I would have killed myself. Instead I continued to eat. When I was at my lowest bottom, I could no longer deny or justify the way I was conducting my life, yet I was powerless to change. Then, I had a spritual awakening. I won't sit here and tell you angels came down and sang to me, but it was just as real and just as powerful as that image. My Higher Power gave me the willingness to seek help in an honest and open-minded way. I went to my first meeting on July 3rd, 1999, and became abstinent the day after, Independence Day, 1999. By the grace of God I have remained so to this day. During this past year, my life has completely changed. I no longer need to obsess about food, or secretly plan a binge. I have improved relations with everyone in my family and those close to me. I have attempted to repair the damage I have done in the past, personal and financial, and needless to say, I have lost weight, quite a bit in 11 months. I want to tell those of you who are still suffering that there is hope, and freedom from compulsive eating. I was unwilling and unable to control my eating days before I entered recovery. I can only attest my sucess in recovery to the love of my Higher Power, who gives me strength when I am weak, grants me willingness when I am stuborn, and who guides me lovingly through my day and my life. I am no different from any other non-recovered compulsive eater out there; I had no willingness to stop eating, yet I wanted to desperately. It can be done, there is hope and freedom from compulsive eating. God bless all of you.

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