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Recovery Stories

Chelsea O'Brien
October 27, 1999

Subject: WOW

Hi! I titled my e-mail "wow" because that's how I feel now. I am so happy, so proud to be able to write as a recovered anorexic. I truly think I've reached full recovery, or at least I'm reaching it as I write -- FULL RECOVERY, me! It's amazing. Just within the past few days I've felt I'm reaching it more and more. As a sufferer knows, each day brings new dilemmas, accomplishments, suffering, or surviving--sometimes all in one day, too! You learn to take each day as it comes. Now I know that each day is beautiful and full of so many great things. I've realized there's so much life has to offer, once I had the courage, faith, and inspiration to go for it.

I've suffered from anorexia for a while now. I've experienced most everything that other anorexics/EDs suffer from... from the "voices" to the cravings to the deprevations to the binges to the purges (I did some of that too, through a rough time as I was recovering) to the guilt to the depression to the hopelessness... one who's been there knows. But I'm over it -- I'm finally PAST that! I don't think that one can recover until one is truly ready; I've been "recovering" for many months now... which started when my parents confronted me one morning and made me step on the scales. After I'd opened up and talked out everything with them, our goal was to get back on track. But at that time it was "our" goal -- mainly theirs, in other words. I realize now that I wasn't ready; I didn't want to get better. It sounds horrible but there was almost this sense of pride or accomplishment that, "hey, I'm anorexic... I'm finally thin for once in my life!!!" I practically enjoyed the thoughts that I was an anorexic, after being one of the "pudgier" girls among friends and peers for as long as I can remember.

As time passed and new steps were taken, along with many set-backs as well, I slowly started wanting to look better, since all I'd hear (from teachers, peers, family, etc.) was, "You've lost so much weight. . . don't loose any more," or "You're too thin," or "Have you been sick?"

Big changes started happening when I found several others that were suffering as well, at school and online. I opened up; I shared my experiences and heard about theirs -- feeling SO comforted that I wasn't alone! I grew to accept more and more that perhaps I was "too thin" as some were telling me. Maybe I didn't look as good as I thought. I started seeing myself in a new way. (Seeing photos of yourself is a real shocker, too.)

With the support of my family, boyfriend, and friends, my mind-set started changing. My views on eating, food, and life in general started blossoming into more positive thoughts. I was given a lot of good advice, read sufferer's and recoverer's stories, talked to others like me. . . and was growing healthier and healthier, this time from the inside out. Of course, there were "down times" where I'd take steps back in the wrong direction. But each time I became a little more determined to keep going, to pull myself ahead again. I started seeing how much life has to offer, how much there is to do and live for -- and I'm going to do it all. I started seeing how eating, food, and other's opinions didn't matter as much as I thought. Life used to seem so centered around FOOD -- everywhere you went, everything you did -- somehow food was always involved! It seemed so hopeless and depressing. Now I'm seeing the other parts of life, what life is REALLY about, how much there is to truly live for.

People could tell me that eating this or that wasn't going to make me gain weight, or having an ice cream every once in awhile wasn't going to add fat to my body. But I guess I had to truly work up to it and try it out before I would actually believe it. Then, after finally gaining courage to eat an ice cream or have a bite of someone's lasagne or whatever, I started to see that what people were telling me might be true after all. At one time I thought, "Yeah, okay... so that's true for MOST people but not for me. I'm different. I'll gain weight from that." Now I can see that it's silly to think that way! Things will balance out, you've just got to have faith -- just know and trust that its going to work out. And it will. I've learned that/I am learning that. It WILL work out.

Do you know the latest step I've just taken -- a very large one (for me)? This past week I stopped [obsessively] keeping track of my daily calories. That doesn't mean suddenly I'm eating whatever, from cakes to deep-fat-fried steaks, etc. I eat very healthily, and am more athletic than I've ever been in my life. But its all okay now -- I'm proud to be healthy, and I'm not obsessing anymore. I know that if I want to have that peanut butter/chocolate/banana/whipped cream ice cream sundae as a treat, I can! And I'll survive! I'm so happy to be "normal" again; until the past few months I wasn't ready to be "normal". So I was still suffering. But I've reached the point of being ready, and I've taken giant leaps in my recovery.

I'm proudly emerging from this as a healthier, wiser, happier, more confident young lady. I feel better about myself now than I ever have -- from when I was slightly overweight to being underweight. Sufferers CAN make it; there really IS a happier life out there that you can have again. The journey is tough, long, and sometimes seems impossible -- you feel like you're being sucked through a whirlpool. But if you keep going, you will start to come up for air. . . and one day you'll be floating on your back again.

Thank you for the opportunity to write about this; I can be kind of long-winded! :) For other sufferers who may read this, I just want to let them know that it probably doesnt' seem like it, but it CAN get better. Keep your faith and courage and you will conquer that awful disorder... even if the journey seems endless.

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