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Recovery Stories

DCP
September 15, 1999

After stumbling across this web-site, I decided I finally needed to sit down and share my "story" with others. Since age nineteen, I have been dealing with bulimia, alcoholism and depression. When I first started with bulimia, I had no idea how completely it would take control of my life. (Alcohol came more into play as time when on.) At first I thought I was in complete control, after some time I was even able to throw up whenever I wanted just by using my stomach muscles. I thought, "What a great thing to be able to do, I can eat anything and never gain weight." Over time, the eating/purging and alcohol took complete control of every aspect of my life. I couldn't stop the eating/purging cycle, I couldn't stop the drinking.

In my mid-thirties, I put myself in a treatment center for eating disorders for seven weeks. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. I'd rather admit I was alcoholic than bulimic. I thought I was disgusting. When I got out, I thought I was cured. I was determined to be in control. Unfortunately, I didn't think I had a drinking problem and eventually began drinking and eating/purging again. During this time, I saw a psychiatrist (for seven years). I obviously didn't get my out of this so-called therapy and wasn't being honest. I became dependent on him and the Elavil he prescribed for me. Another indication that the therapy wasn't working is that I tried to commit suicide. Unfortunately, waking up in the hospital and the realization of what I had done only stopped my behavior temporarily. Like an alcoholic can never say I'll only have one drink, I found that I couldn't just bindge/purge just once. One time was all it took to be right back to the same level I had been at. The eating/purging and drinking cycle continued.

During these years, my drinking became more of a problem. I was using drinking and eating to buffer myself from all the thoughts and feelings I didn't want to deal with. Not thinking and feeling made it easier to get thru the day, or so I thought. I ended up in an outpatient alcohol program because I was drinking all the time, including at work. I stayed sober for six months and then got transferred because of my job to another state. I started eating/purging and drinking again, and tried to kill myself again. Bulimia and alcoholism have in effect eaten and eroded away my life for the past thirty years. I have successfully undermined more that half my life.

About two years ago, After another eating purging and marathon drinking session, I finally decided that I could no longer keep living the way I was. I was totally out of control, my life and marriage was a disaster. I knew that if I didn't do something now, I'd rather be dead. I couldn't go on living like that. I put myself in an alcohol rehab because I knew I couldn't do this myself. I needed help. I also knew I couldn't go back into my marriage. I needed to completely get away from everything and place I connected to bulimia and alcohol. Fortunately, there were some very inspirational councilors at the rehab. They didn't deal with the eating disorder but gave me the name of a therapist to contact when I got out. I of course wasn't drinking this time, but I admit I threw-up three or four times. Then I realized that I had to quit drinking and bingeing at the same time. For me, I cannot separate the two. They go hand in hand for me.

I am now forty-seven years old and finally in control and sober for the past eighteen months. I know that bulimia and alcoholism will always be part of my life.

How did I get in control? Even now I don't know for sure. All I do know is that I woke up after a three day drinking/eating binge knowing I could not stand to live that way any longer. I put myself in rehab knowing that if I continued my behavior, I couldn't face another day - I would put an end to myself. I am not a religious person nor am I convinced AA is the Answer for everyone. All I know is that my "Higher Power" or my spirit kicked in and saved my life. I believe everything happens for a reason and I might not know what that reason Is. I can't say why when I sought help before, that my abstinence was only temporary. I don't think I was ready or willing.

Just a few last words, eating disorders, alcoholism or any addictions are no way to live. Basically, you put your life on the back burner and let your addiction take control. You stop developing as a person, you stop thinking and feeling, you stop living. Living with an addiction is not living.

I finally found a therapist I can be honest with and who makes me think and feel. I've found that the only way for me to live now is to be completely honest no matter how it makes me feel. I need to feel. If you're not getting what you want from a therapist, get another one. It can make a big difference in your recovery. Take antidepressants if they help you, forget about what others might think about it. It's you that's important! You're fighting for your life - you matter - you're special. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

I never thought I would be in control of my life again. Well, I am and I'm gonna stay that way. There's always hope.

I don't have answers, but if anyone wants to get in contact - [email protected]

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