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D. Desmarais
March 27, 2000

My Story: Learning About Life, Love and Happiness

SEVEN YEARS, seems like a lifetime ago. But, it has been seven years since I stepped into a therapist's office and began my recovery from anorexia and bulimia. This is my story: the one only I can tell about because I am the one who has lived it. My earliest memory of my disordered relationship with food is around age 10. I come from a family structure where food was a way to cope with emotions and feelings, no matter how happy or sad those emotions were.

Does this make my family abnormal? It took me a long time to realize it, but, not in my eyes it doesn't. If we look at our society as a whole, food and coping are common practices. It is when food is used as a harmful tool, such as in my case, that the behaviors and attitudes around food can have destructive consequences.

These destructive consequences stayed with me from childhood to young adulthood. Then in 1993, two miracles happened in my life, my nieces, and all the sudden life took on a whole new meaning. The birth of my two oldest nieces when I was 23 made me realize how sick I had become. Now, I was an Aunt and had a responsibility to these two wonderful little girls. Today, I am the proud "Honorary Auntie" to nine nieces and nephews, with number 10 on the way!!! To have lived to hear the words, " I love you Auntie Dee" is the best feeling at this stage in my life. It has been an unconditional love I never imagined I had inside of me.

I do not want to give the impression that recovery has not had its struggles, like anything else I get from it what I put into it. I have been reflecting on the past several years lately as my 30th birthday approaches. Am I afraid to turn 30? No, not at all! Which is an amazing realization for me, because part of all the years of the eating disorder was being afraid to grow up. In my continuous journey of learning about life, love, and happiness I have discovered the inner-peace within that helps me to awaken everyday grateful for who and what I have in my life. The purpose of my writing this article is to share some of the lessons I have learned:

It seems that I was always on a time line to measure life's successes, by this age and/ or stage in my life I want to be, or have or want... Goals are great to have, and reaching for them is admirable. I had my life/goals all planned out for many years. The funny thing is, none of it has turned out as originally planned. For me this has been a huge adjustment. Along the way of my detoured life I discovered that so much was out there waiting, if not passing me by.

I am surrounded by a lot of incredible people. Some have come into my life and since have left, but the life lessons they have brought are priceless, even if those lessons have included hurt. Each person who comes into one's life is there to teach us something and there are times we may not understand it until some point later on. I used to be so focused on a career and success that I forgot who was important and enriched my impending success. I am still focused in a career, but in a much healthier way that suits my lifestyle. I could not have gotten through any of this without my loving support system of family and good friends.

It was not so long ago that my sickness had taken me away from everyone who loved me. And I have spent many years coming to terms with the reality that took years away from me. I do not play " the blame game", I am not angry anymore. Besides, it takes up too much of my energy.

When I was an adolescent counselor, I would tell the kids in my care that Childhood is meant to be a journey, not a race. It seems that I spent a majority of my younger years trying to grow up so fast that I did not take time to enjoy my own childhood journey. I look at the younger members of my family and have so much pride in their ambitions, but moreover the young adults they all have become. Whenever I need my own reality checks, I can always turn to my brothers Mike or Jim, or my cousin Stephanie for their innate wisdom and senses of humor that bring me back "down to earth". They have everything in front of them and they tell me how successful and great I am when in turn they have given me part of that "greatness". I am fortunate to have these strong connections with many members of my family, as well as, my friends who allow me to be who I am.

It is an astonishing realization for me that how the simplest things in life can make me happy. When I was engaged in the erratic behaviors of my eating disorders, I never noticed how the simplest pleasures could make me happy. I now enjoy the time spent with my family, friends, and all the children in my life and even time spent with my two cats. Both cats whom I have been raising since their infancy. Again, another lifetime commitment I have made good on. But, it is even more then the people in our lives that we take time for; it is watching a sunset, hiking in the woods, reading a good book, dancing to my favorite songs or going to favorite places. It is the smell of my grandmother's cooking, or the laughter of my nieces and nephews.

Finally being able to drive into my hometown and not feel like a sick young girl anymore. This alone is a personal victory. To allow myself to get to this point seemed so impossible. Looking back is never easy, when I left my hometown I never wanted to look back. But, I had to look back in order to move ahead. It is hard to have to look within myself and begin to finally put the past behind me. I am learning to allow myself to heal from all the years of being sick.

I can only believe that I was given a second chance at life seven years ago and I survived it all for reasons. I may or may not ever know those reasons. Although, I am enjoying every moment as I continue to learn about life, love and finally happiness. It is what happens in between my self- discovery that really matters.

The only regret that I do have is I would have been better to my mind, body and spirit. If you know someone with an eating disorder, please encourage her or him to seek professional help, or you have engaged in these behaviors there is hope for a healthier, happier lifestyle, because life is worth living.

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