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Erica
October 5th, 2001

Dear Fellow Fishies,

My name is Erica, and I have been struggling with an eating disorder for over 8 years, and I'm only 20. It has been two years since I have been to this website. The reason that I haven't been in so long is because I have been on a long road to recovery. Two years ago I was at the worst point in my eating disorder. I would do ANYTHING to lose weight. I would come to this website to get support, but not the support I needed....I came to get the support that I did not need. When I came here, I didn't want to get better. I was so far downhill that all I wanted to do was reach the bottom pit and die. That's when I met Cory. He made me feel wanted. He made me feel like I really meant something to someone. His love has given me the courage to get through all this sh--.

My parents couldn't handle me and I soon found comfort in my other family. Throughout these last 8 years, I have had the priveledge of becoming an "older sister." I have three beautiful sisters that are 2, 4, and 6. In the worst point of my anorexia and bulimia, these girls gave me what I needed....little voices saying "I love you Ecka." What more can you ask for?

Two years ago I made the hardest decision in my life. I made a toll free call to a treatment center called Remuda Ranch. The voice on the other side of the phone was the voice of an angel. I was so scared, but she was so caring. She helped me make my first big step....telling my parents. They obviously knew, and they shipped my from therapist to therapist, until I met a team of two, Karin and John. They worked together to get me through this. My parents found out the extent of my illness when they found evidence of it. They were crying when I came in from my music audition. I was so excited, and when I walked through those doors, I knew that they knew. I had to tell them that I needed help.

The only person that I trusted to tell was Cory. For weeks I had tried to find the right moment. I was so scared. We had been dating for 8 months at that time and I was so scared that he would reject me. I had kept bringing up that "I had to tell him something important but it is really hard for me to talk about." He didn't tell me until later that, he knew there was something wrong, but that I would come to him when I was ready. One night we were watching tv and I started crying. He wiped away my tears and said "please tell me." I told him that I couldn't say it, but I could show him.

Until that night, I couldn't say anorexia or bulimia because I was so ashamed. Who would want to kiss somebody that makes herself throw up and use laxatives?!? I told him to follow me to the computer. I came to this website. I couldn't look at him when he read "A website for those with eating disorders." I was so ashamed...but you know what he did? He wrapped his arms around me and whispered "I knew that this was your secret." I can't say that after that night things were easy. He would cook for me (he is an awesome cook!), and ask me if I threw it up. He would ask me to share his lunch at school. He was so caring. He did whatever he could to help me. His mom and my mom were really good friends, and they talked about it.

Over the next three months, my parents met with my therapist, but they didn't know how bad it was. It wasn't until I starting getting the ugly side effects of my ed. I kept getting cavities, ulcers, and fractured bones, that they knew that I was near death. I had withered away to practically nothing in front of their eyes. My mom immediatly called treatment centers, trying to find a place for me ASAP. Graduation from high school was the following week. I was at Cory's house when my mom called me. "I've found a treatment center that will take you. We leave in three days." That was the day before graduation. I was so scared. Two days after graduation, I left. I had to say goodbye to all of my friends, and most of all, my brother. The last thing that he said was "You can beat this, Erica. I will always be here for you." I arrived at the Renfrew Center with a mind full of fear, but a heart full of hope. Over the next grueling month, I ate. I went to groups and individual therapy. I made some of the best friends of my life. (It's amazing how much easier it is to know that everybody surrounding you is going what you are going through and know how hard it is.) I'm not going to go into detail about what past events I worked on in therapy, or what went on there for me, but I will tell you that the combination of Renfrew and my therapists at home saved my life.

After I came home I went to therapy 3 times a week until I left for college, in a new state. I started school at the University of Kentucky, and had a semester from hell. I had a roommate that I really thought was Satan. And to make things worse, the week of finals I got sick. It started out with a cold but soon turned into pneumonia....one of the many side effects to malnurishment. Ever since I have had an eating disorder, my immune system is very low. But surprisingly enough, I only threw up twice in the whole six months that I was there. That was a huge step up from throwing up up to 10 times a day. Now THAT was a recovery experience. I left the U of Kentucky at the beginning of the next semester because I was still sick with pneumonia, and couldn't get out of bed. Coming home really helped me even more.

When I came home I started seeing my therapist again, something I really needed. No matter where you go, it always helps to have support. I didn't have the support I needed in Kentucky. This last year, I have a stable job (which I love), and I am now in my second year at the local university. Things have really gotten better. I have my therapists, my family, my friends, and my new church.

I am not going to say that things are perfect, because they are not. I still have my bad days. Sometimes, I still find myself "stuck in the mirror," telling myself that I am fat even though I am not. That is becoming more of my past though. I am having more and more "good" days, and less and less "bad" ones. I no longer throw up because I feel worthless. I now see food as...well, food. It gives me the energy to chase my sisters, and work at my job, (which is physically demanding since I work and a garden center), and go to school. I can now see food as a neccessity, not an enemy.

For all of you that are out there in recovery.....God bless you! I am so proud. And for those of you that are still suffering, PLEASE don't give up hope. Don't give in, give it to God. Remember, in John 11:35, "Jesus wept." Jesus hurts with us and rejoices with us. He will always be holding your hand, so don't give up.

Thank you for all of you who have given me the support that I need, and thank you Mr. and Mrs. Fishy, for providing a place for us to turn. You don't know how much you have helped me in my recovery.

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