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Harriot
December 6, 2001

It had been 12 years that I needed the struggle with anorexia - a demonstration of self-disgust and the desire to somehow change the fundamental building blocks of my life. Until 6 months ago, I always knew that I could gain weight and on the outside could appear healthy but had assumed that the thoughts and feelings of the illness were then instilled in me - an unshiftable part of my personality.

To my great joy, I have realised that I can, and have, changed so many of my beliefs which were keeping me locked up in being sick. I was fortunate enough to accept the opportunity to become an inpatient in a small clinic for sufferers. Never before have I been forced to accept that I am a great person! When I found myself being continuously bombarded with compliments, I learned to listen, believe and respect others' judgements. I asked myself, "Compared to the potentially tragic consequences of starvation, with gaining weight, what is the worst that can happen?"

I am now stepping out into new territory, finding my new feet and building upon what I know is true. I am grateful to be having regular outpatient appointments. I have opened up a whole series of conflicts in my mind and have enough strength to confront the real problems without turning to food or over-exercise. I am more aware now than I ever have been of the things I actually need to change in order to stay well. Most importantly, I must not neglect the self that has been constantly burning. Even in the toughest times, the flame was dimly lit. When I try, I can see the end of my nose but for most of the time, I don't notice it. That is like my self - it's been there all the while; I just didn't see it.

It sounds so simple but it was a revelation when one day, I discovered that I didn't have to do everything right all the time. If perfection is what I was striving for and in fact perfection doesn't exist, then it is o.k. not to strive for it anymore. Only I can give myself the true rewards for what I do. That is why it is so important to live in the here and now, rather than heading for an unattainable future.

So, the future can only be a product of me in this moment. Anorexia is no longer a gift or a friend. It doesn't exist, it is a merely a symbol of past circumstances. My self has won.

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