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Jane
January 26th, 1999

I am 40 yrs old and no longer actively binging and purging. I have 3 boys 10 and under who I am homeschooling. I have always been a passionately; angry, happy, sad person. I learned to purge in college as did many women. Throughout my wild ski bum years and "fun" bar maid life in California, I purged. Until I got pregnant, I had no good reason to stop. I did stop somewhat. I never again have spent weeks purging 3 times a day. I have purged maybe 10 times in the last 5 years.

I guess I would like to say that you should get as much help as you can as soon as possible. I didn't get help. I'm 40 now and wondering if I've damaged my heart as I am having chest pains. I know now that I do need to get help for the feelings that led to that behavior. I am responsble for these kids' lives and they deserve the best they can get. If you don't get help, if you think you can run away from it, you are wrong. I guess I want to convince you as well as myself that we are worth the work. That our lives can be so much more. Our feelings are valid. Our opinions count. Bulimia isn't embarassing and silly. It's raw pain. It's a struggle to cope. It's desperation. We have been hurt deeply by life. We have to look at it and put it behind us. Accept the damage done, our imperfect lives and the possibility that our lives will never be perfect.

My friends see me as strong, centered, powerful, a bit too vocally opinionated but I know I have their respect. I am a whole person, an interesting, alive person. I need to love me every day. I am strong. You are strong too, that's why you're still here. That's why you've been fighting so hard against the way things are.

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