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Recovery Stories

Jill
February 23rd, 1999

I am a 23 year old woman in full recovery from an eating disorder. I began to restrict my eating when I was about 14. I began running in in high school. I slowly restricted my eating and increased my exercise through high school and into college. By my last year of college I was excercising 3 or more hours a day, I was still restricting, I was bulimic, and I was suicidal. At 21 I sought counseling with the help of my mom. I am now working towards a Masters' in Social Work so that I can help others with depression, eating disorders and other mental illness.

Though it's now a fuzzy memory, I know the agony of anorexia and bulimia. I know what it's like to think constantly about food. I know the joy and the agony of stepping on the scale--many times a day. I know the guilt of eating, the pressure to exercise. I know the triumph of not eating and of exercising more than anyone else. I know how alone it can feel. I know the horror of eating and not being able to stop. I know the hundred little distortions that helped me hide my eating disorder from myself and others. I know what it's like to face the question "How are you doing?" with a smile and an okay day after day when everything is anything but okay. I know what it is to believe that death must be better than another day of the misery.

I also know how hard it is to let go of the one thing that keeps you going, that organizes the day, that provides purpose. I know how hard it is to binge and finally not purge. I know the terror of gaining weight and feeling clothes grow tighter. I know how scary it is to finally feel what has been numb for so long. I know the guilt, the fear, the sadness, and the frustration of recovery. And it's all worth it.

There is such a better life beyond anorexia and bulimia. Hope can spring from a landscape of bleakness. Joy can take the place of misery. Sadness can become an emotion, not a life-sentence. Recovery from anorexia or bulimia is like a mandate to do what everyone else is working not to do. I feel proud every time I eat a box of french fries. I work diligently to incorporate fat into my diet. I am careful not to eat too many fruits and vegetables. Nutrasweet tops my list of foods not to eat. Fat tops my list of foods to eat. Eating has become such a minor part of my life. No more agony, no more fear. And I love my body. It is a beautiful thing--the product of millions of years of evolution, and a repository of the genes of my family. I have energy to do amazing things with this body of mine.

But even more importantly, I am happy, content, energetic, hopeful, and can think about someone besides myself. I am actually FUN to be around. I think the thing I was most afraid of when I went into therapy was that they would fix my eating disorder, but I would still be miserable. But you can fix it all!! You can be happy. Most people are not depressed. Most people never think about killing themselves. Most people are happy a lot of the time. People with depression can be like most people if they seek treatment.

I haven't vomited in over two and a half years. I haven't wanted to in probably two years. I haven't restricted my eating in at least as long. I take anti-depressants, and under my doctor's supervision, I am slowly reducing the dosage. I still get sad, but it goes away. I sometimes worry about my weight, but it passes. My life is better than I could have imagined. I have everything that I thought that losing weight would bring me and more--at a healthy weight. And I look a hell of a lot better!!

One last note on some of the lesser known benefits of recovery: My hair is incredibly shiny. It is also thicker and grows more quickly. My sores heal more quickly--including acne, which I have less of. My eyes are shiny and full of life. I am much stronger. I'm not too hot or too cold all of the time. I have all kinds of time that I never seemed to have before. I can just sit and do nothing (and not think about food at the same time!)

Overcoming my eating disorder was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It was well worth the effort. I moved beyond getting better. I feel strong and proud of my accomplishment. I learned so much about myself and my family. I sought and received help from friends who were also suffering from eating disorders, and I helped my Dad who was also suffering from depression. When I was going through therapy I felt as though I had wasted part of my life. Now I know that the years that I suffered made me who I am. They made me strong, and they gave me a purpose. I wouldn't go back and change a single day of my life, but I wouldn't spend another second starving myself, either.

Hang in there and take care. Jill

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