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Recovery Stories

Kate
June 25th, 2000

Every so often I browse through the SFWED website, perhaps post a response on one of the bulletin boards to something that rings close to home, and I have more than once thought of posting some words of hope on the "Recovery Stories" portion of the webiste. Well, I suppose today is the day that I stop by and share some words of hope and a little about my recovery.

Like so many, I battled with anorexia for more years than I would want to admit too and lived with the ravages day in and day out. But as we know all too well, war stories and battle talk only serve to fuel the eating disorder fire and don't provide any form of constructive support or encouragement. As with every soul that has found a way to recovery, recovery for me was a very personal choice. It was one that I made when I came face to face with myself (with no distractions left to utilize) and when I came to the deep realization that I truly wanted something different out of life. I had been through numerous hospitalizations and treatment programs prior to this, and in the end recovery came down to a choice of whether to thrive in life and attempt to discover what life could be for me....or to sink deeper into the depths of despair and fade into oblivion. No single hospital, therapist, or treatment program inspired me to suddenly transform my life over night. In fact some of the most powerful transformations that moved my recovery along occured outside of the realm of treatment.

I view recovery as truly a transformation of thoughts and beliefs. I have long advocated that what we all too often believe is what we can expect. It takes hope and belief to make transformations happen. Nothing magic....just a little flame of desire, of hope, and a strong will to believe and make your dreams transpire. If we believe, then that belief shall begin to happen. I believe that we pave the foundations of our own destiny.

This most amazing transformation evolved from an encounter that I had with another life-threatening illness....cancer. Until I had faced cancer, recovery had been partial at best. I still had the lingering thoughts and urges....the deep pits where people fall prey to the disorder when they are vulnerable. In facing illness of a different sort, I began to see my life in a new light. My relationship with a higher power strengthened and I found the will, desire, and energy to discover a new way of living and being. Do I believe that one must have an encounter with death or life-threatening crisis to choose recovery.....most definitely not! We are each given challenges and circumstances that encourage us to find new meaning and to discover recovery.

I truly believe that there is no single road to recovery. Recovery is about listening to our true inner self, it is discovering what meaning our eating disorder holds in our lives, and about finding the methods necessary to transform our lives from chaos and destruction to healthy living. The most important aspect of recovery that all too often people forget about......is that recovery is about becoming whole. It's about embracing ourselves fully and completely and accepting the person that we are. I view recovery as the fiostering of a new and healthy relationship with our inner most self.

The most important aspect of my recovery was simply "letting go". Letting go of judgement, letting go of the past, letting go of old beliefs, and discovering the person that I really was inside. I had spent many a year being a perfectionist at heart so this task was quite the challenge and took time toget accustomed to. I had always been driven to succeed, to accomplish....so the idea of just being and being okay with that was something foreign to me. Developing a relationship with my inner most self helped me to better understand where I had been and where I was going in life. Over time as I let go of self-criticism and self-judgement and just accepting things as they were, I found that my relationship with myself took on a whole new light. Without judgment and self-incrimination, game-playing became obsolete and disappeared over time.

I've been recovered for a number of years now and have discovered a whole new life. I've reached a point where I rarely think about the days of when I had an eating disorder..........weight is just another aspect of my being and carries no significant meaning.......food is something that I truly enjoy and see for what it is.......and life is living each moment for what it's worth. I no longer harbor the deep "what if's". No longer do I worry relentlessly and get stuck in a mindful of nonsensical thought loops. Life is not perfect....and fortunately it's not meant to be. But I can accept the little challenges that are thrown my way and not dwell on them (and in doing so push myself into an emotional crisis).

The message that I always like to pass on to sufferers hoping to move towards recovery is that each and every one of you is special.....without question! We all have beautiful talents and gifts. We all carry a special and unique meaning in our lives. The key to recovery is about listening to our own inner wisdom and finding our own answers. All too often sufferers are looking for the right path, the right formula to guaranteed recovery....and unfortunately there isn't one specific path. The true key is to listen to your own needs (there in there hidden deep).......discover your own path....and believe in yourself. These are things that no one can do for us.....which makes recovery the true challenge that it is. We have to do for ourselves and ask for support and encouragement along the way. So hang in there and never give up hope. Always believe in yourself and in the recovery that awaits you. Most of all take care of you and be good to yourself...you deserve it!

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