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All articles that appear here have been submitted and reprinted with the permission of the authors. Copyrights are retained by the original authors and you must contact them for permission to reprint. If you have something you'd like to submit yourself please send it to [email protected]
REMEMBERING . . .
by: Mary Fleming Callaghan; author of Wrinkles on the Heart; A Mother's Journal of one Family's struggle with anorexia nervosa.
I remember the fear and confusion I felt when our daughter was diagnosed with
anorexia nervosa twenty years ago. I was determined to read everything I could
find on the subject, act upon the concepts suggested in these books and -
voila - in a couple of months she's be cured. Does that sound familiar? All
of us lived with such delusions when we first started down that painful road.
I haunted book stores looking for something written by a parent. There was
nothing, absolutely nothing! What I found were numerous volumns written by
professionals, and much of the blame was laid at the parents' doorstep. I was
very resentful of this and, when I look back, my attitude probably impeded our
early efforts to help Kathleen. I needed to get beyond my ego and focus on
"the problem." I needed to ignore the psycho-babble in the books and go with
my gut instincts. I felt that we knew our daughter better than anyone else.
That was our secret weapon.
But often that weapon was double-edged. We loved her and were willing to do
most anything to help, but that love also made us extremely vulnerable to her
manipulations. It took years before I finally realized that the best way to
help her was not to help her at all.
I had to ask myself a hard question: Why should she try to help herself when
there was always someone there to do it for her, to pick up the pieces when
she messed-up or needed re-hospitalization? We did these things for her when
she was a minor, but it continued after she turned eighteen. She would die if
we didn't, wouldn't she? Or would she? Had we ever really given her a chance
to show us how she'd handle it? Did we unintentionally rob her of the
initiative to mold and control her own life? Tough questions and even tougher
answers.
In recent years people have asked me how I would advise parents and families
who are just now confronting the life and death struggles of an eating
disorder. "It's a very difficult task", is how I answer them, because every
situation is different. Human nature is such that we need to experience some
of the agony these problems cause before we can accept guidance on how to
combat them. These beleagured new parents rationalize that their situation is
different from yours or mine. So again, only after we've lived through some of
the pain, can we be open to finding ways to alleviate it.
I remember recently telling a parent that, as far as I was concerned, there
are five major steps in starting down the road to recovery:
Kathleen is now thirty-six years old, happily married and the mother of two
beautiful daughters. I remember a conversation we had several years ago:
"If you had been in our place, what would you have done differently?" I
asked.
"But you didn't do anything wrong."
"Oh but we did. We did so many things wrong."
"But, mom, it wasn't your problem, it was mine."
"Yes, but certainly you'd do it differently if, God forbid, your daughter
had an eating disorder, wouldn't you?"
"No, I wouldn't. I'd get her help like you and dad did for me. I'd listen
to her, as you did. I'd set limits as you tried to do. Don't beat yourself up,
mom. I love you for continuing to love me when I was so unlovable."
"Well, there you've got me. That was the mission impossible - almost.
But I'm so glad we hung in there because I couldn't be prouder of you now, and
I know your dad would be too."
Dealing with an eating disorder is like walking a tightrope. We must be
supportive and yet refuse support when they attempt to shift the
responsibility to us. We must insist that they make their own decisions and
accept the consequences even if those decisions are wrong. When they are
forced by us to take up these burdens, their self-esteem will rise, and they
will slowly begin to find their way back
Oh yes, I remember all of it so well, but now I can look to the future with
confidence. Kathleen has built a life for herself based on new acceptance,
despite the past. My prayers for her, and all victims of eating disorders, is
that they continue to move forward with determination and hope. They must keep
their eyes focused on the many good things life has to offer. They dare not
waste a single moment.
Visit the website to order:
or send check to:
$12.70 US dollars(inc, tax) Book Rate
©1999 Mary Fleming Callaghan.
Reprinted with permission.
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