It takes deep personal awareness and strength to recognize the truth in that. When people are numb and caught in the passion/compulsion of acting out eating disorders they have no awareness of the soul destruction that is occurring. When you can respond with feeling to a statement about killing the soul, you are on your way out of oblivion and moving toward real self care.

i am 24 and have had anorexia and bulimia since the age of 12.

It's a desperate path.

i am in recovery

good for you.

although still very underweight

give yourself time to build

but no longer purging or binging.

hooray! hooray!

This means you are remaining more emotionally present for what life has to offer. You can make decisions based on reality.

at first i thought recovery would bring so many wonderful things.

It brings the end of oblivion. It brings the beginning of being in the world as a fully present person (rather than a section of a person with feelings cut off and a presentable false facade for others)

but now that i am "healthier" my parents cut my finances,

I can't comment on the financial details without knowing more information, and I don't really need to know.

The broad strokes apply. You are 'healthier'. Most people, including people with eating disorders, often think that the end of acting out is health. The end of acting out is crucial in order to begin living a healthy life, to begin learning what a healthy life is. So when you stop binging, starving and purging you have accomplished something vital which required much strength, courage and faith in yourself. You've given up a powerful defense against feeling your feelings and being present in the world.

When you give up those actions, the result is that... you are in the world and have to deal with it as it is and as you are. There's a lot in this world that is not pretty. And you have minimal resources to meet it because parts of you didn't get a chance to develop and mature. Those parts were completely numbed out at 12 when you began the eating disorder. So some wisdom, compassion and support is required before you can draw on such elements in yourself. Part of you, maybe a big part, is only 12 years old.

But a lot of people, including parents, including you, think/expect that when the acting out is over the person is healthy and at the same stage of development as others her age. And the world will expect you to fulfill certain responsibilities, like earn a living, get an education, be responsible for your commitments, take care of yourself, keep promises, behave in a socially accepted manner, etc. This is a challenge for any young person, (for many older persons too) but particularly for someone new in recovery.

than i am working a coffee house job many hours and going to school.

I am so glad to hear this. It sounds hard, but it's the kind of hard that will teach you so many things that you couldn't learn while you were acting out. And, the job and school give you a structure to your days. Early in recovery structure is very important. While you were acting out there were no boundaries. Starve too long, binge too much, throw up when you felt like it... there are no limits or boundaries there. And that kind of experience spreads to other areas of your life.

Honoring the structure of your work and school gives you some reliability and regularity, something you can count on, even if it does feel very hard right now.

i have no time for friends. i am lonely.

Learning to portion out your time may be similar to what you have to learn in terms of portioning out food. So when you talk abut friendship I wonder: Are you starving yourself of friendship? Have you ever binged on people? Have you ever been so casual and dismissive with people that you were, in effect, purging them out of your life?

You may be yearning for the kinds of friendships 12 year old girls have with each other. This is hard to come by when you are 24. And if you find it, it probably wouldn't be so very good for you.

It is lonely in recovery. It was lonely when you were acting out, too, wasn't it? Sometimes knowing that your suffering does have a point, is something to work through, is temporary and even necessary as part of healing, can help you to bear it.

I hope you can find a psychotherapist to help you through these crucial years of beginning your life. You sound so conscientious. Support and appreciation for your experience now from someone who understands eating disorders could be a great help.

Also, there are 12 step programs that may provide you with some learning, some opportunities for healing and some personal contact on the level that you need right now.

my parents live far away and i don't get along with them anyway.

It doesn't really matter how you get along with them. You will still feel pain and loss because of separation. If boundaries and limits are the number one issue for people with eating disorders, then separation issues are a close second.

i have made new friends,

Good. Choose carefully. Remember, there is a sweet 12 year old inside of you that needs help and guidance in making choices.

still feel very lonely and meaningless.

You are new in the world. It will take time for you to discover what you really care about, what has meaning for you. Whatever was meaningful to you before was based on your being a partial person. Now you are more fully present. Everything you see, think, feel, want, don't want, like, don't like, are repelled by, are attracted to....everything will be affected by your genuine presence.

Remember, this conversation of ours began with the idea of soul killing. Now it's time to pay attention to your healing soul. That's what's meaningful now. It wasn't before. Now it is, and you know it.

to the point i don't know what i am fighting for anymore.

Aren't you putting your energy into being the full woman you can be? Isn't that what it's all about?

there was supposed to be the rainbow at the end.

Who said so? This is the vision of the naive 12 year old inside who hasn't learned very much about the world yet. That part of you needs help in dealing with the disillusions that awakening brings. That part is probably scared, hurt, disappointed, bewildered, at a loss and looking for help that a 12 year old understands. Yet you are 24 and on your own. Your challenge is how to provide that compassion and support for yourself as you meet the world.

Where are you going to school? Often schools have counseling centers or referral lists or something that can be helpful to their students in stressful situations. They might even have programs for people with eating disorders or know where you could find one.

am giving up the behavior

I applaud you long and loud for this. You recognize that your life depends on this. And, I know how hard it is.

and still very lost and unfulfilled and lonely.

Giving up the behavior is giving up a way of coping with the world. You are in the process of finding a much better way of coping, one that can seem very far away at times. It does get easier as you grow and become accustomed to being more present in the world and more reliable and compassionate to yourself.

spirituality helped for awhile, but no longer.

I wonder what was nice about that and what happened to disappoint you.

my outlook is pessimistic and cynical these days.

S, it's only natural that you would experience this. You gave up the behavior and didn't get the promised land you thought you would. By giving up the behavior you even lost some things you had, like financial support from your parents. Many things that you thought would work didn't. The emotional awareness you have is based on lots of growth and lots of deprivation at the same time. So there are holes in your perception that make your challenges even more difficult.

This is a time to mourn the loss of all that you thought would be and is not. The 12 year old dreams are not happening. Meanwhile, let me ask you, "Who is mourning? Who is pessimistic? Who is cynical? and Who is writing this letter?" I wonder if your answer is the same to each of these questions.

The aspect of you who wrote this letter is moving beyond the 12 year old beliefs, moving beyond the grief. You are wondering, is there something more out there?

any suggestions?

There's plenty more out there. But first you need to discover and nurture the plenty that is in you.

My main suggestion is to get a support system for yourself. You've done a great job with your work, schooling and friends. This is support and structure. You also need someone to listen to you and be present for you while you go through this powerful learning and healing time. A psychotherapist who knows about eating disorders is what I recommend. Also, 12 step programs. Also, check out what your school has to offer.

And let me know how you are doing.

with appreciation,