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What If...

by: Susan Kohler

So many factors contributed to my anorexia that could have been prevented. It is hard to know where to begin. There are so many "if's" that come to mind. And yet some of these "if's" are being answered now in recovery. I am learning the skills at 25 that I needed throughout my childhood and adolescent years.

I missed out on the important lesson of finding one's own self and my being has worth, a voice, likes and dislikes, opionions, dreams, needs and desires. I wonder if I had learned that when I was a little girl if I would have developed an eating disorder as a college student. If my parents loved themselves, each other and had other healthy relationships, I am sure I would not have developed anorexia.

If parents teach their children to listen to their growing selves, to develop their own identity and love that person, to express emotions instead of being ashamed of them, to voice their needs and wants, how to say no and set boundaries, then would we have eating disorders? If children learned that loving one's own self and meeting one's needs is not a sign of selfishness but rather self caring and nurturing, then would eating disorders be so rampant? If I had learned to be as sensitive to my own needs as I was to others, if I had learned to take pride in meeting my own growing needs as I was in meeting others, would I have developed a nearly deadly case of anorexia? If I had been in touch with my own hunger for food, rich relationships, my own sense of style, laughter, tears, and music, would I have passed out from malnutrition and dying from lonliness and depression?

If our culture had a legacy for women to pass down to their girls, a rite of passage other than getting on the weight loss roller coaster and body shame, would we have eating disorders? If women could connect with each other on another common ground than their wieghtloss and diets, would we have eating disorders? Our culture's rituals include the scale, weight charts, weight loss centers, dieting books and clothes sizes, diet pills and special low-calorie foods. What happen to connecting through stories, music, mentoring, tears and laughter, the arts and a family line rich with traditions that connect families through generations?

As I sat in my senior psychology class of 15 students and two psychology professors, I wore thick clothes and prayed not to pass out as I stood up. One professor was a practicing psychologist who had been at that small Christian college for over 20 years. The other was a new young counselor who specialized in women's issues. I wonder how I could have been so ill at that time that I should have been hospitalized, and yet not one of the psych. professors pulled me aside and asked how I was. And then how when I spoke up about recovery, they had no idea I was anorexic. I wonder with rage, how could a senior psychology student loose nearly a third of her body weight, grades drop, personality change, hair start falling out and color change from golden brown to gray-white, and the psychology professors at a small college who she has sat in classes with and talked to for 5 years, could not have any idea or pull her aside and ask how she was?!

What if teachers and professors were trained in the symptoms and what to say/do when they see them? What if teachers and professors cared about their students as much as they did about loading them down with papers to write and books to read?

I want to end this on a good note, on a good "if". If I had not started recovery, then I would not have learned these things. So many women do not face these issues underlying their weight and diet obsessions. I have been fortunate to find therapists, mentors and information about eating disorders so that recovery has been possible. If I had this disease ten or twenty years ago, I would not have been so lucky and may have died from it. We are making progess towards preventing eating disorders and we need to keep going!

©1999 Susan Kohler. Reprinted with permission.

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