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An Essay

by: a friend and survivor

The beliefs I once held that I am about to describe are going to seem absurd and completely irrational to the typical reader. This is because they were. I have spent much time and energy throughout my high school years learning to retrain my mind to rationalize many false beliefs so that I can see and believe reality.

There was I time when I believed that what was actually underweight was grossly fat. There was a time when I believed that a single piece of bread had the power to instantly add pounds to my frame. There was a time when I believed that my body was different from everyone else's, that it could survive on very little calories a day. There was a time when I believed that a "normal" diet consisted of an apple for breakfast, a diet coke for lunch, and baby carrots for dinner. There was a time when I believed that the only thing that could make me happy was to be thin, and thinner, and thinner... There was a time when I believed that dieting, being in control of my weight and what I ate, was the only thing in my life that I had control of; it was the only escape, and the only thing that could make me feel better about myself. There was a time when I believed that nothing else mattered, that my top and only priority was to lose weight, at the expense of all else. There was a time when I believed that feelings of hunger and emptiness were pleasing, and that feelings of being satisfied (and maybe even a little full) were disgusting and often a fate worse than death. There was a time when I believed that I was a worthless being, possessing not a single likeable or good quality. There was a time when I believed there was no hope, when I believed that the whole world was against me.

This time when I was consumed by such irrational beliefs was my eighth grade year and on into the beginning of my freshman year in high school. I am so thankful that throughout my high school years I have been able to find other priorities and teach myself rational ways of thinking instead of allowing my disease to consume more of my life. In the past three years I have been in the process of rejecting my old beliefs through a rational process of learning the reality, the facts, and forcing myself to believe them. I mentioned before that I once believed that what was actually underweight was grossly fat. This was the first belief that I had to reject before I could begin the long process of retraining my mind. The rationalizing process that I have used in discarding my old beliefs and gaining new ones would go something like this: (a battle between the irrational and rational parts of my brain)

"But I'm different. ________ on me looks like much more on anyone else my height."

"Wrong! First of all, charts show that the average weight for a teenager of your height is ________. And if you're so fat, then why is everyone worrying about you, telling you you're too thin, telling you to eat? Are you calling them all liars?"

"But I just don't need as much food as most people; I have a slow metabolism."

"How then do you account for your lack of energy, your thinning hair, and your unusually low body temperature?"

I can't come up with a response to that one. "Well," I say, "If I eat more I know I will immediately gain weight, I can feel it."

"First of all, you have to learn to separate your feelings from the reality of the situation. Of course you feel fat, that's the control the disease has over you."

"Wait a second. This doesn't have control over me; I'm completely in control; In fact, it is the only thing I have control over right now."

"Oh really. If you're so in control then you should have no problem making yourself eat any time, right?"

"I could if I wanted to; I just don't want to."

"Now you know that's a lie! You want to eat more than anything. You want to have energy and life again."

"But I'm soooooooooo happy now; this is the first time in my life that I'm actually doing what I want."

"You say that you're happy, but do you really know what that is anymore? And is this really what you want? To slowly waste away and never be able to enjoy life again?"

"That would never happen to me, and, anyway, I'll start eating when I'm thin."

"You said that a long time ago. When is thin going to be? When you disappear?"

"O.K., I get the point. But what's the point in living; I'm not worth anything to this world anyway."

"Oh really? Then why are you here?"

"I don't know. But there's nothing good about me anyway,"

"First of all, you know that's not true, but you are destroying the things you once saw as positive in yourself. For example, you can't sing well anymore, you don't have the energy; you're not fun to be around because you're always tired and consumed with yourself; and you're not compassionate anymore�you can't care about other people when all you think about is yourself."

"So what am I supposed to do? It's hopeless, and everybody is against me; no one wants to let me have what I want."

"They know that what you want is not what is best for you. Remember, 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' And you know that God is for you and wants you to experience the life he has given you to its fullest. Believe what you know is reality and trust God to carry the rest."

After reading this, one might think, "what a messed up person!" There was a time when I was, but now through a rational process of coming to believe reality, and by the grace of God, I can confidently say that I have overcome a struggle that once consumed and controlled me for too long, and I am a new and much stronger person because of it. The rational process I used to overcome the mind games of anorexia has deepened my thinking skills and instilled in me a strong sense of irrational versus rational ideas which is now helping me in other areas of life. I now appreciate life and each day it brings more than ever before, and God has blessed me with a heart of compassion for those around me. I spent long enough thinking about myself, and it is so freeing to be able to love others.

©2000 to the original author. Reprinted with permission.

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