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The Art of Hatred

by: Nicole

I am a woman trained in the art of hatred. Hatred of the body. My body. My story is only one of many. Correction; my hell is only one of many. How epidemic eating disorders have become in our society, yet we turn our heads as the sick twinge of jealousy, envy for the dying, swells in the mind. We've fallen victim to this senseless act of violence. A crime unpunishable by law that entraps the very being of self. I awake, I starve, I exercise, I binge, I vomit, and then when the day is over and a new one begun, I begin again. Monotony becomes essential in the destruction of the body. To watch the world sit back and condone the act of self-destruction, this is the undoing of today's youth. When will we learn?

There is a stigma attached to those afflicted. We are seen as greedy, selfish, ignorant girls. Why starve the body? What purpose does it serve? There is a twisted sense of gratification, of accomplishment to be gained. No, I am not claiming there is any reason or rhyme to the madness, only that it is "our claim to fame." We hold on tight to it, afraid to let go, afraid to be less, afraid to be more. Our loss becomes our gain. Complete control over the body and its functions, now that's power. To restrict nature, to stop time, the high is euphoric. And then it all comes crashing down. Eventually you hit rock bottom, maybe you hit rock bottom time and again. You have a profound realization; I am killing my body! You become filled with fear- my heart, my kidneys, my reproductive system, what have I done? You decide to enter "recovery." That lasts all of one day. You choose destruction over health. Why? Who are you without it? What purpose do you serve in the world? It is your duty to starve. Our duty as women is to become as meek and fragile as we can. It has become "the American way." What good are we fat?

There is a lot of hard work that goes into having an eating disorder. Rationalization is key. A marlboro light and diet pepsi. Mmmmm. Breakfast. You go pro when it comes to lying. Me, hungry? No, I ate last week. You boast of a superb metabolism. You have no shame. You go to the extreme to hide your "greatness." You go to the extreme to hide your fall. You live in a state foreign to those around you. But soon you become angry. It's not fair that you despise your body to such a degree. It's not fair you can't laugh, think, see, act, and eat like the others. Your "superiority" melts, and the shame shines through. Now, and only now, you are ready for a fight. A fight for "normalcy." A fight for life.

And here I must pause. Why? Where is the conclusion? Well, I will tell you as soon as I know. For now it's one day at a time...

©2000 Nicole. Reprinted with Permission.

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