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You'll Never Know

By: LaurieAnn

You'll never know. You'll never know how it feels to be powerless, numb to your actions and their consequences. You'll never know how it feels to be so far gone, to look into the mirror and not recognize the face of the person looking back with big blank eyes and an unwritten expression. You'll never know how it feels to hate yourself for what and who you are, but still know that you can't change, that you're not that strong. You'll never know why I do it, or why I don't stop; you'll never know that I can't. You'll never know how it feels to think that eyes are constantly staring into and through you. You'll never know what its like to have so much hate for yourself built up inside of you. You'll never know how it feels to end up crying on a bathroom floor and have that be the high point of your day. You'll never know what thoughts go through my head while I'm on my knees with my finger stuck down my throat. You'll never know the inside of a toilet bowl intimately like I do. You'll never know the pain of knowing the name of this disease, this chronic illness and not make an attempt to ask for help because I'm afraid of what everyone else will think. You'll never know me, or how I feel inside. You'll never know what drives me to do this. You'll never know how it feels to never be able to be yourself, always an actor playing this role of a normal, healthy person without any huge problems. You'll never know the actions I take or the lengths I go to. You'll never know that I'm powerless or how much I hate being so. You'll never know how afraid I am, my main fear being myself. You'll never know the taste of dry tears on your upper lip as you cry yourself to sleep at night. You'll never know how it feels to pull off this ultimate joke, letting people think you're normal. You'll never know how afraid I am that my lie will be found out and I'd have to face someone familiar instead of that familiar stranger in the mirror. You'll never know, but if I told you, you'd pretend to know how it feels, or how much I have to hate myself to do this. You'll never know what I'm thinking because I hide my dissatisfaction with myself and my life. You'll never know who I am, but please carry with you that I can be anybody. You'll never know.

©2001 LaurieAnn. Reprinted with Permission.

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