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A Day...

By: Stephanie

6:30 My alarm clock rings. Oh no! I already have to wake up! I' m so tired and weak! You have to get up, screams my head, you have to pretend you're normal remember!! I finally manage to stand up, but I become very dizzy and have to sit down. My stomach hurts... I'm so hungry...once again.

6:35 I weight myself. I lost weight! I'm so happy!! This gives me courage to continue dieting to become beautiful and slim.

6:41 Time for breakfast! I don't want to eat, I can't eat or I'll get fat! I know what it is to be fat because I was overweight before and I don't want to go back to that misery! My mom's looking! I have to pretend I'm eating or she'll freak out even more! I grab a muffin and make myself a cup of coffee. Of course, when she's gone, I throw away the muffin. The coffee, on the other hand, will give me energy to start my day... caffeine I guess...I sure need it!

7:48 School is starting in 12 minutes and I feel like I'm going to faint! I pretend to be happy and try to listen to what my friends are saying. I can't understand! I don't have enough energy to focus! I try to talk, but the words come out all wrong. I know people think something is weird about me, because they are always staring. My friends say I'm a walking skeleton, but what they think doesn't bother me. They are just jealous, because I can control what I eat and loose weight. Speaking of weigh, I have to move my legs to burn calories. How do they think I can become slim when I sit all day in school!

8:00 DRING! The bell rings! My maths teacher starts to blab about the exam of something, I don't even care! I need to focus on my goal instead. I need to loose ### more pounds this week! I know I can do it! The only problem is pretending to eat, so that people leave me alone! They are always looking at what I'm eating and complaining it isn't enough! I think it's too much! I have to measure my tights. I touch them with my hands... Oh no! There's still too much fat, I have to move my legs again...What is he saying? What homework?

9:51 I'm at the bathroom now! I hate myself; I can't look in the mirror! Why are all those girls so pretty and popular! They're all so funny! That's what the boys like... Pretty and funny! At least I'm slim! Maybe they'll like me if I loose a bit more weigh! I'll climb the stairs a couple of times during the break!

10:00 I'm so hungry!! NO don't think about food! You can't! Food is bad! My friend's eating a candy bar! How could she do such a thing! In a way, I'm happy, because I know I'll be slimmer than her and I know I'm in control and she isn't! Chemistry course! I have to focus so much to understand and concentrate! My stomach hurts!

11:58 Lunch time again! I have to eat! Not because I want to, but because they'll send me to a hospital if they see I have an eating disorder! My mind is constantly obsessed with food!! I know how many calories every food contains and I know how many calories every physical activity burns! Not bad eh? Yeah right... People really admire me for that!! OK! I take out the sandwich I made this morning! Of course I can't eat it. Although it looks really good...STOP IT!!! I take out my celery sticks! Those I can eat...They only have ### calories per stick! This is my usual lunch. Sometimes I replace them with mushrooms or peppers, but celeries are better!

12:19 Everybody is finished with their meal. I think they eat too much...but that's my opinion! We're going to play volleyball during lunch break! That's great...more exercise...

13:00 I have to count my portions! Good! I didn't eat any carbohydrates!! Those are really bad... Chocolate too, and pasta, potatoes, bread, candies, everything!! People eat food that they don't even know are fattening! My Biology class is starting. I have an oral! I'm so nervous!! I don't even care about my grade or what I will say! I'm only concerned about if people think I'm too fat! They'll probably say once again that I'm too skinny but their wrong!! I have to pretend to be OK and healthy!

15:00 Sometimes I cry at night, because I'm scared about what's happening to me!! I always pretend to be happy, but inside I feel sad and lonely!! No one understands me!! Why am I like this? In a way I want to continue to loose weight, but I'm getting so weak and tired! I don't know if I can go on much longer! I'm loosing all my hair! I'm always freezing, even on a hot summer day!! When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. I'm so ugly!! I'm pale and look sick!! Why do it torture myself so much!! I can't stop now!! After all the efforts I made... no way! Giving up would make me weak! I have to go one... I have to! Of course I lost my period a long time ago... that's because my body can't create enough hormones. When I climb the stairs, I feel my heart beating so fast, I sometimes think I'm going to have a heart attack! I know I'm not fat, but I'm scared to start to eat again and gain all the weigh back! I'm scared of loosing control! My mom wants to send me to a dietician!! I HATE her! Why can't she leave me alone!! Why is every one complaining!! They don't understand what I'm feeling; they don't even care about what's inside me! It's only the looks! Well, I'll teach them a lesson! I'll loose even more weight! That ought to teach them to mind their own business! And if I have to go to the dietician, I'll [play tricks] so she'll think I'm heavy, and she'll leave me alone!! OH! My teacher's been talking for 15 minutes! I can't listen, I only think about food! I HAVE TO COUNT MY CALORIES AGAIN...

16:00 AH! Track and field!! My favourite course of the week! I can run and burn more calories!! I exercise so much every day, that I'm really in shape! I'm the fastest runner in the class!! At least, I can be proud of something!! I can't stop thinking about my weight! Food is on my mind every second!! Why can't I be normal!! I look at food, an even if I'm so hungry, I can't eat, because I'm scared to get fat!! That's not normal!! I know you must think I'm psycho, but you can understand!! I'm sure anorexic people like me or people suffering from bulimia understand what I'm going through, and I know how terrible and painful theses diseases are.

17:30 Finally, I'm home!! I have so much homework to do I feel discouraged!! The worst thing about this disease is that you can't talk about it to anyone, because they will send you to a hospital! I have to face this all by myself!! OH no!! Supper's ready!! What are we eating?? Lasagna! I can't eat this; yet I can't not eat it!! I know what I'm going to do...

18:03 I'm in the bathroom right now!! You've probably guessed what I'm doing! It hurts and its disgusting, but I have to do this! I'm so ashamed and scared! What am I doing to myself? I feel dizzy and I'm hungry once again!! That's good!!

18:58 I have to go run now!! It's cold outside. My parents are worried! They think I exercise too much. They are probably right, but I don't care! I need to run faster and longer!! I'm afraid my neighbour sees me and goes tell my parents that I run all the time! I hope no one sees me!

19:15 One hour and fifteen minutes!! That's great! The best part about running a long time is that afterwards, you don't feel the hunger for a while! I'm tired, but I feel good about myself! I have to go weigh myself, maybe I lost weight??

20:33 I'm doing my homework. I can't concentrate well, that's for sure! I can't write what I'm thinking in my head. I'm all weak. Oh well! I have to do it! I if just ate a bit, maybe I could concentrate... I open the fridge and see all this good food, cheese, cake, leftovers of the lasagna... . What would I do to eat a cookie... .No, it's out of the question! I can't!!

10:23 Finally the day is over!! I have to count one last time how many calories I ingested, how many I burned and how much of every food group I ate! GOOD! Now I have to weigh myself once again! I knew it, I didn't loose weight! I feel like crying, I just think I will!! How can this be! Tomorrow, I'll have to eat even less and I'll run 1 hour and a half! That should do it! I have to go to sleep now... if I ever fall asleep. I start crying, like always. I don't want to be like this, but I can't help it!! Why did this happen? Please leave me alone!

This is my story. I know I must sound like a freak!! I go through this every day! I don't know why it all started, but believe me, if I could go back in time and change something so that this wouldn't have happened, I WOULD!!! I feel empty inside... my life is passing is passing in front of my eyes and I'm just letting it go... I'm not enjoying any of it and I know it won't come back.

What a shame, I'm just a useless weak and stupid 16 year old! I have very low self esteem and I am really perfectionist! I only wanted to loose a bit of weight, but it got out of control. I don't want your pity, I just want you to understand what this terrible disease can do to someone. My mind is going crazy and I can't control it. I'm desperately trying to hang on, and so should you... I remember when I was happy and joyful!! I want to go back to those days, but they are all gone!! Maybe I'll look for help! I can't live like this forever!! Or maybe I'll die one day because of this, I don't even care, life is too painful and depressing anyway! I only want other people who are facing the same problem as me to know that they are not alone... someone else is living the hell of anorexia every day.

©2001 Stephanie. Reprinted with Permission.

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