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On My Way Home

By: Tori*

I am a recovering bulimic, I have suffered from bulimia for three yrs. I am only 16 (17 soon) I am in yr 12 and I have this monster in my head that scares me to death... BUT I am only young, so I am fighting it with all my might.

Bulimia and any eating disorder isnt just about the weight, it is a lot deeper then that.

My father is an alcoholic, and when he drinks he becomes abusive, not always physical (sometimes) But mainly verbally. and its the things he says that hurts more then anything.

In yr 9 my uncle died of cancer, my nana got cancer and my brother(19 now. was 16/17) was diagnosed with it too... at that point I was a mess, I had a fight with my group at school and I split it up, I thought I was going to lose my brother from cancer. another uncle of mine comited suicide and three days later so did my friend from ballet. I was so hurt and angry and shattered from everything that was breaking around me. I couldnt handle most of the stuff that was happening, so I attempted to commit suicide about three times. got diagnosed with "depression".

Yr 10 1999 this was the start of my bulimia. it wasnt throwing up, it was strict dieting and compulsive exercising, with this I lost a lot of weight. I am a dancer and my dream is to be a ballet Jazz and contemporary teacher. I was in my yr 10 School Musical "Annie",i felt I had to prove something I dont know to who.. probably me so I kept this serious diet going and with the lack of sleep plus the compulsive excersising away from the rehearsals and performing, I thought I was on a roll.

Yr 11, january 2000 the peak of it all. I let go of suicide that was just too wrong, and too painful, and too close to home it felt too easy. I wasnt aware that I was bulimic I thought I was handling things really good. Although I had no confidence no self esteem no motivation to really do anything. I started puting on weight again, and one dancing teacher would say that I was putting on weight, and saying I was fat, and useless, and not a good dancer and telling me this constantly in frount of the whole ballet class of aprox. 17 girls. it hurt. I was messed up, the one thing I could do was prove to her that I could be the way she wanted me to be. I stopped eating it was really gradual though and I kept fainting, I tried so hard to stop my self from fainting at school, and by the end of the day I was so tired and so weak. I realised I was doing this for someone so they would get off my back and stop telling me I was fat, so I started eating again, but it was painful, I felt every bit of food go down and through every part of my body. I couldnt do it... I vomited that up, and that was the start of the vomiting side of my bulimia... and it was every day after that until august... thats when I confronted my friend Tanya. she is a singer, and she gave me a tape at the begining it had a msg on it to me and then she sang crash and burn (savage garden). everytime I hear that song I cry after I told her I told another girl she well...she had a way of helping me, she made me feel so bad for doing what I was doing which made me smarten up. I love her she helped me so much. I told a few more ppl here and there and I was given some places to go to and I finally got help.

September came and the sydney 2000 olympics. Being a dancer I auditioned for the opening ceremony and I got in which boosted my self esteem...BUT over hearing ppl in my group saying I was too fat to be a dancer and they dont see how I got into the olympics, made me vomit for the first time in a month. after that I went down hill, lost my periods got swollen stomach glandes and throat glandes... my calcium level was down and my stomach lining was thining out and I had very little stomach acid.

It took a while until I was back on my feet and it leads me to today... where a big thank you is in order for everyone that helped me get better. I am far from recovered, but I am geting there. The ONE thing that makes me angry, is I have lost any wieght since I put it back on. Yes it goes alot deeper than that, but its alot of pain to go through when all you wanted was to lose weight.

I cling to my religion because it gives me a sense of belonging and understanding to life... through the past three yrs I wasnt living for me. I was living for God My family and my friends. I didnt want to live. But I am now starting to live for myself and finding inner peace. I am living my life to the max.

But with all my heart I thank everyone who has helped me because I am COMING HOME and I am feeling great.

For all you out there, its painful, its hard, its going to be rocky. But its all about you. Live life to the max.

God Bless you all.

©2001 Tori (*name changed). Reprinted with Permission.

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