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I'll Stop Tomorrow

By: Jill

I am soooo good lookin' My hair is wild and spikey, you stop me on the street to compliment me on it. I have the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen and even though my nose is a little big, you tell me I'm gorgeous.

You tell me I have the softest skin and the cutest little body, even if you may not agree with the piercings and tattoos. (You tell me you are so glad I got them where no one can really see them!)

I am smart and wild and funny. I have a great sense of humor and an even better sense of style. I always make you laugh. You tell me I make things seem so effortless, so smooth. You love the way I can laugh at myself. You seek me out, I am the one at the party or at work that you want to know. You want people to see us together. You want people to know that you are in my circle, that I accept you.

You love my little quirks - the way I am so picky about ordering in a restaurant, the way everything has to be just so, the temper tantrums or drama queen episodes I sometimes have. You tell me they are cute, they are endearing. You will put up with almost anything because I am such a sparkling, special person. I will change your life.

You tell me I am getting skinny. You notice the veins sticking out in my legs and the gross wounds that won't heal. You always admired my pale skin but now there are so many bruises. You notice I've been sick alot lately - my stomach and that weird face thing. You notice my hair falls out and I seem so tired all the time.

Now I'll tell you what I notice...I am a raging bulimic. I have been for ten long years. And yes, I am perfect, perfectly crazy in the grips of my eating disorder. I go through long periods of "healthy times" but the bulimia always comes back, like your worst enemy and like your best friend.

I will never walk away from this thing unscathed - my teeth are rotten, I have sores in my mouth that could turn to cancer, my throat always hurts, I have ulcerative colitis and irritable bowel syndrome. I'm anemic and bruise easily and lately I've gotten some nasty sores that won't heal. What finally forced me to get help was the latest malady - my salivia glands (parotid glands). The glands have started to harden and swell and there are spongy lesions on them, when they swell they press on my facial nerve which hurts like hell and often causes dizziness and tingling in my face.

Unfortunately, they can't take the whole gland out since the lesions are only on a portion. Instead, they can scrape a part of the gland which will permanently disfigure my face - give my cheeks a sunken-in look. I opted for a prescription for acid reflux and the promise to start therapy.

I have started therapy and today even went to a group meeting. I do want to get better, I DO! But there is still that old friend telling me...wait till the whole gland hardens, then you can get a prosthetic. I know your face hurts, but damn, you look good. You know you'll get fat if you stop and besides, false teeth are alot easier. I hear chemo can really take the pounds off, you never wanted to get old anyway.

So tonight I'll go home with this old friend, I'll do what I've done for months now - I'll stop tomorrow. Right?

Actually, no, I may not stop tomorrow or the next day or the next week. But for the first time in ten years I am admitting to my problem and in my own stubborn, eating disorder adled way - I am making those first (small) steps to recovery.

Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day and they were all raging bulimics too so there's hope for me yet!

©2001 Jill. Reprinted with Permission.

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