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Day One

By: Megan

I barely have the creativity or capacity to write because I am so numb right now. I have spent the whole day eating and stuffing myself, only vomiting once. So you can imagine how full I feel. I woke up bloated, so on top of that I feel stuffed. My stomach feels like an added growth on my body that gets in the way every move or thought I make. I cannot stop thinking about how much I hate my body, how disgusting it is, and how much work it will take to change it.

Just yesterday I started my whole life over. I exercised for four hours and did not binge at all. I had it all planned out how I could lose a whole lot of weight in just twenty-three days. I only would have had to exercise nine hours a day. I lie to myself constantly. I live in a make believe world. This new life was going to make me beautiful again and happy.

I start a new life just about every other day. I swear to myself that I am starting all over again. I swear that I will be different. I will be thin and I will be happy.

Somehow I always underestimate the powers that control me. I forget or I pretend. Food is my god. Food is my controler. I hate food more than anything and I love food more than anything.

Right now I am in about my fifth to eigth year in an eating disorder. The first time I ever vomited to purge was about five years ago. If you looked at me you could never tell that I was a practicing bulemic. I am only a few pounds overweight. I have been underweight, overweight, and a normal weight. I have overexercised, starved, binged, overate, and purged. Right now I am compulsivly overeating and binging and purging. I have eaten more in the last six months then probaly the whole year before. I eat and eat. I steal food. I make a scene in the grocery store. I lie to everyone. I stay at home. I don't have very many friends. I stay in a bad relationship. I fail. I fail at school. I fail in relationships. I fail.

Ninety-eight percent of the day I think about being thin again. Feeling thin. Is thin a feeling? I know it is not, but I cannot help it. Ninety-eight percent of my day is wasted. This is no lie or exaggeration. My daydreams are of being thin. My dreams are of being thin. My life goals are of being thin. My passion in life is to be thin.

I am sick of this but everyday I start the whole same pattern again. I waste time. I waste energy. I cannot stop. My options are to be healthy or keeping binging and purging. My options in my mind are to keep binging and purging or be thin. This is not right. I want to be healthy. But this is not a common thought in my head. I have to retrain myself. I have to practice nourishing myself and feeling good. I have to practice eating a healthy breakfast. I have to practice enjoying food. I have to practice shopping for groceries. I have to practice thinking about other things instead of food and dieting. I have to practice not dropping everything I am doing to run to the grocery store to steal a bunch of food and gorge myself. I have to practice not giving up my whole day to my eating disorder. I have to practice worring about if my teeth will rot or if I will ever be able to have children. I have to pratice loving myself and my body.

I am willing to do all of this. Right now I am willing. But I am so scared of what I will decide in the morning or in five mornings. I am scared. I do not trust myself. What could it be like to go a whole day without worrying about food or hating myself? What could it be like to succeed? What will it feel like to really love my body? Is that possible? I am scared of the work that is involved and the mistakes I will have to endure. But this is my only option. To be healthy. I can not think of another way to lead a real genuine life and I cannot wait. I need patience.

©2001 Megan. Reprinted with Permission.

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