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I didn't want to cry

By: Taps

I never cry- at least, not in public. My friends haven't seen me cry, neither have coaches, teachers, not anyone. I keep stuff inside. I like to make people happy. I hope their happy now.

As far back as i can remember, I've hated how I look. I grew up in dance competitions, and performances, and in high school swithced over to cheerleading so I have always been in a social spotlight so to speak. The pressure to be thin has always been amplified. There has always been someone there to make sure I knew I wasn't good enough, talented enough...thin enough. The first memory of I have of being humiliated because of my weight, is from when I was about 9. I was at a dance competition waiting to recieve my solo costume very last minute. My dance teacher came over to my mother and said," I have no idea what this costume is going to look like, but I told hem to make sure it has a skirt. She needs a skirt to cover those legs. I'd never put her on a stage in a bodysuit without a long enough skirt." And that's where it all started.

From then on, I was always self-concious of my weight, even though I was always small for my age. In eighth grade, I thought I had to be a fat cow. Those types of comments would pop up at dance every now and again, just often enough to make me feel fat without my studio looking bad. When I was in eighth grade, I was put in the back for all of my dances, and it made me really depressed, so I worked hard and got much better. I also went on a strict diet. The diet started with skipping breakfast and eating a healthy lunch and dinner. I lost a little weight and my dance teachers suddenly began to like me more. So I stopped eating breakfast, lunch and snacks, and got an even more positive response from the dance community. Finally, I stopped eating altogether. I stopped getting my periods, and my hair wasn't as shiny, but no one noticed, because at my lowest weight, I was still within a healthy weight for my height. Miracuosly, at the end of the year I won a dance scholarship at my studio and got moved up to the highest level... hmm, I wonder what message this sent me. Anyway, I got sick for about 6 months, with chronic fatigue syndrome, and put all my weight back on and then some. (the end of 9th grade). Some mean girls in my school made fun of me, and told me I was fat. I made the cheerleading squad that year, but had to quit because I was sick. Anyway, the fat comments came back at dance, and I was going crazy- I couldnt take it any more. Even though dance was the love of my life, I quit the beginning of my sophmore year, and joined cheerleading instead.

Throughout high school, my struggle with anorexia had increased immensily, and cheerleading has played a big part in it. In 10th grade, my male coach told me I was too heavy for anyone to ever list me, and I could never be a flier. I've never forgotten anything about that conversation. They continue to make me feel fat in small ways all the time. The only time either of my coaches praised how I looked was last year in the midst of a bad anorexia relapse. I had taken off my shirt and was only wearing a sports bra - the fact I was very thin was real obvious - i remember it perfectly. We had just finished having a lunch break, during which I ate nothing. I stood up and lifted up my arms, making my ribs stick out more, and my coach said, "You look good, you've lost wieght haven't you." The next practice they made me a flier, and one of the girls lifting me jokingly said, "Jeez you're heavy- go on a water diet- no more eating until after the competition." Of course, I didn't take it as a joke. So I go back and forth now, from normal to anorexic, on and off, from month to month. My anorexic months have starting to greatly out number my normal ones. Im starting to wonder if i'll ever get better. And to think this whole thing happened because I wanted to make them all happy. I hope their smiling now, because I don't think I remember how.

©2001 Taps. Reprinted with Permission.

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