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You Are My Torture

By: Lily

A thief have entered into my life and has stolen my smiles, my joy; has taken possesion of my mind and my thoughts, has hurted my body and my soul. Anorexia, bulimia, depression, whatever you are I hate you. You are my hangman, my torture. You are destroying my life. Everyday you make my life so difficult, so miserable and hard. You make me damn each day, you make me feel so stupid, addleheaded, out of my mind. I can't think, my mind is a mess, I can't concentrate, I miss the point. You make me fell that I don't have control of my acts and my thoughts. I think that I do everything wrong, I damn me, I feel guilty all the time, I'm always nervous, I'm desesperate, I'm weak, I'm tired, somedays I only want to sleep, although you are present also in my dreams. I'm dizzy, I'm in deep water, I'm deeply sad it's awful. it's scary.

I fell miles away from the ones I love and the ones who loves me. I'm in my own shady and little world of depression, affliction, hopelessness and fear, where everything is confusing and the things that time ago delighted you have lost their sense.

Persons around me think that I just have to try and to clear my mind of strange or negative ideas, it seems so easy, a thing of willpower, but it isn't so. I have tried so many times and I am a wreck.

They also think or tell me again and again that certainly I want to die and that's why I don't eat, but it isn't so. I don't want to die I just want to live without feeling that I have already died. I feel like a zombie. I'm my own severe judge, my enemy.

I've never had something traumatic or painful happen in my life. I should be a happy, secure and established person, but I'm not. It is very confusing, because it seems like if I don't have any reason to be bad, and people ask me "why are you treating yourself so bad, why don't you enjoy what you have, why are you so complicated and ungrateful, your family doesn't deserve the pain of knowing you're bad and sick, why don't you make an effort instead of complaining about your 'bad luck?'" They can't imagine how and what I feel, and that I regret everything, that I never meant to hurt anybody. I feel so bad inside, I can't enjoy what I have. I punish me for not being the person I would like to be. I hate me for not having the courage and strength to recover and to get on with my life.

My relation with food is so strange, it isn't tasty anymore. I know I have to eat, but... I go to therapy once a week, sometimes I don't want to go, I avoid it. Sometimes I regret having asked for help and for having talked about my problem. I feel that everybody wants to take away something that is mine, that in someway I need this, although I know that it will wound me.

Mom, dad, my sweat love, I'm so sorry, I never wanted to make you pass through this. I have never wanted to hurt, to worry you or to disillusion you. I'm grateful for the life you have given me. Thanks for your support, patience and therapy, medecines, all. I have cried so much for you and for me. Maybe you don't even know how much I care about you. I'm sorry. I love you so much.

©2001 Lily. Reprinted with Permission.

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