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Today
By: Anonymous
Today, for the first true time I admitted I have a problem. My
problem is with the thing inside me that everyday tells me I am no
good, makes me feel insecure, unhappy. I feel like I don't know
anything anymore. I'm not sure of what I really look like, how good I
am at what I do, whether I have a chance. People tell me different
things, and I don't know who to believe.
People ask me how long I've been anorexic. I don't know. Sometimes
Sometimes I'm not even sure I am! I go to my physciatrist who one
week is telling me I'm killing myself, another she says 'you know you
haven't actually been anorexic, just showed severe signs'. What does
that mean?
There are many sentences I have written and deleted, because saying
them would not be me saying them, not the person I am now. That's my
illness talking. Bizarre! But there is no point in hiding the truth,
especially if you're kidding yourself. The person you can hurt the
most is you. Your greatest friend can be you, if you let yourself.
You have my permission to disagree with anything i say, but I bet
there will be someone out there who feels the same. Or not, but this
is helping me. I'm not ashamed to say that.
I don't know why I am like I am. Some days I can answer, because I'm
me! All this is going to get me somewhere, teach me something. Even
if that thing is how to love myself. I know that. Lots of me is
telling me not toaccept that, but by writing it I must be meaning it
somehow.
I always say what I mean, even if it's on the spur of the moment,
because that's what I mean at that particular moment (!). I find it
hard to follow my own advice, so sometimes its better to ignore me
when I give advice to others. That's your desision. All I want to say is talk to people.
Don't suffer alone, in silence. You are entitled to tell people how
you are feeling. I've found some of my closest friends, who just
listen when I need them. I know they are there for me. Sometimes just
knowing that helps.
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