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Not Okay

By: Mariana

Of course I know that I�m losing it. I�ve been watching my sanity slipping away from my slowly, for the last year and a half. I tried, I tried so hard. I asked for help. I really did. I called my coach, told my doctor, knowing that if I waited any longer I wouldn�t be able to hold out, I would slip so far away I wouldn�t be able to scream back out for help. I went to the therapist that was recommended. On my second visit she looked me straight in the eye when I shook my head and tried hard to smile instead of cry, she said "But you are doing okay. You really are doing all right."

It felt like a slap in my face. Like I shouldn�t have been there. I should just stop whining, keep my fingers out of my throat, keep collecting all those A papers and midterms, keep smiling, dancing for everyone like a puppet on a marionette string. Because I smiled, and could pretend for everyone else I was "doing all right" I was in her words "okay". Great, if �okay� is crying yourself to sleep tucked into a tiny ball, wanting to disappear; if �all right� was slicing your wrist just to see if it would bleed or picking scars into your wrist; as long as �okay� was alternating between living off of not enough food and then scarfing down peanut butter sandwiches and rice krispee treats only to then throw it all back into the sewer, where I belonged. If �all right� was thinking you were the biggest, ugliest, fattest, meanest bitch on this planet, then yeah, I guess she was right. I am OKAY.

So I guess I�m doing �all right� and feeling �okay� as I watch my life slip away from me, swirling down the drain.


©2001 Mariana. Reprinted with Permission.

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