The following story is about a young woman named Caron who has been battling anorexia. This story is shared through the eyes of her friend, Lisa Arndt.

Please be warned that some of the information may be very triggering if you suffer from an Eating Disorder yourself.

August 1999

August 25th, 1999

CARON is still alive... her weight is up, she looks MUCH healthier, but has fallen into the grips of BULIMIA and DRUG ADDICTION.

Hello to all! I regret not being able to give more frequent updates, but that is only because there hasn't been much to update in this true tale (which was once a rollarcoaster, ever-changing, death-defying drama, and is now a slower evolving portrait of pain). Caron does continue to defy death, however, as her body has been through more medical physical war than anyone I know. She turns 25 years old this month and continues to live in various places around Los Angeles. She calls me randomly and I have seen her a few scattered times since the new year began.

Her weight is much "better" but that is a facade, because her struggle continues even though it is not as readily visible as it once was. Don't be fooled by this. Many, in fact MOST, people with eating disorders do not carry dramatic body weights ever in their illness, or if they do, they don't do so for long despite being plagued for a very long time with the disorder. Caron's once horrifying weight was an EXCEPTION to her several years and on-going battle with anorexia and bulimia. (This is very very important to keep in mind, and believe me, I work with disordered eating clients and I am directly aware of this reality, the media lies to you, and to all of us.)

Caron has a limp, however, which she will always have now, after breaking her hip bone during an anorexic crisis (she fell against a couch and her bone deterioation, osteopena, caused it to break as if she were a eighty year old) and she has irreversable bone loss (osteoporosis) throughout her body as well as permanent damage to her teeth, heart, liver and other vital internal drives. She will not live a full life (female life expectancy is to the age of 80 these days, but Caron may not even make it to 40) and her health problems will exist from now and every day until her body gives up. This is NOT a pretty picture AT ALL. She has lost the youthful glow and her "looks" will never fully return, so if this is all for appearance's sake, then she has done the direct opposite of improving her appearance. She has single-handedly aged herself beyond repair. And she continues to do so.

Caron has fallen back into the EVIL clutches of bulimia, which had stalked her intermittenly throughout adolescence. The tremendously difficult addiction of the binge-and-purge cycle has re-entered her life at full force (this is a progressive disease, after all). Caron is in turmoil about this development. She is at war in her head EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY and hates her bulimia passionately. However, her choices keep her stuck in the bulimic behaviors. She has other options (all of us do) but she remains locked in by fear and a personality bent which leads to constant SELF DESTRUCTION. Every time Caron has a feeling that she can't or doesn't want to tolerate, she turns to self destruction instead. I understand this, but it breaks my heart too.

In addition to the insidious monster of bulimia, Caron is also battling with drug addiction... as I've mentioned a few times before. Unfortunately it is not a "simple" matter of smoking pot to ease her bone pain (which is less traumatic on the body than alcohol). At times Caron smokes rock cocaine (this is commonly called Crack) and also snorts powder cocaine as well as uses speed (crystal meth, also called Ice) and other drugs to destract her from living and being and experiencing life for real. Actually, I am not sure Caron remembers at this point what it is like to truly and honestly experience life. She has, in the past, when she has had recovery (when I met her, for example, after her stay at Rader, which was nearly five years ago) and that is when Caron was most happy and was her real self. She was funny and witty and fun to be around. She was creative and intelligent and talented. Her time was not spent trying to find the best method of self destruction...

In addition to working with eating disorder clients at Rader, I also do volunteer work at a drug and alcohol clinic in Santa Monica (called New Start) and I just happened to begin this work about six months ago right around the time when Caron was smoking crack (she has periods of sobriety from this drug, a few weeks here and there, but the nature of this drug is absolutely horrifying as it causes the body, mind, and soul to CRAVE the crack intensely and it beats up on you when you don't use it, so you get stuck and have to use it just to feel okay, not even to feel high after awhile, much like heroin... PLEASE don't ever try or experiment with either of these drugs as their nature is to change your body's chemistry so that it NEEDS the drug). Caron has had legal problems because of her crack use and I have been able to help her a little because of my position at New Start... but ultimately I am helpless YET AGAIN as I was over her anorexia and am over her bulimia to CURE her of these addictions.

Along with all of this distress, trauma and self abuse, Caron continues to attract and date men that are sometimes abusive to her and the chaos that results (break-ups, reconciliations, her moving back and forth from different houses, etc.) no doubt contributes to her self induced vomiting and drug taking. I see her as a little girl, still, in so much pain and confusion, running about trying to find love and nourishment from the outside world, and being continually disappointed in what she finds... I can relate 100% to this desperate plea of pain and cry for help (as I am sad but sure that many of you reading this can relate to as well) but what I have learned the hard, hard way is that unless I nourish myself first and help myself first and love myself first, I will remain in the dark and searching outside for something that is actually tucked way deep down within.

I wish I could report some sunlight in this saga today, but I cannot. I will write again when there is something new to tell you.

Thank you all again and please don't give up, because Caron herself has not and that counts for something bigger than all of us.

With hope and recovery...
Lisa

Caron's story is about a young woman battling anorexia. It is shared through the eyes of her friend, Lisa Arndt.

read January, 2000 >>

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