The following history of Caron was written by her close friend, Lisa Arndt.

Caron's History

Caron's Anorexia began when she was about eleven years old, living in Canada, with a Bulimic mother and an image-obsessed household (her father leaving the family without an explanation). She had been teased about her "baby fat" and dieting seemed like the "answer". This began a long love affair with dieting, binging and purging, and disordered eating. As a teenager she was hospitalized a few times for both Anorexia and Bulimia and left home at seventeen to get away from her dysfunctional family. She continued to struggle, eventually coming out to California for treatment where she ended up making her home. She was in recovery for some time, helping others with their struggles, but had a relapse after being raped (she had been sexually abused as a child also). This relapse was additionally fueled by the "hopelessness" of having been in many hospitals, seeing many different therapists/psychiatrists/doctors, etc. and never finding the key to getting a solid recovery. This relapse has pushed her weight lower than ever before. She continues to refuse treatment and somehow manages to still help others.

Caron's condition for right now seems stable... she has hit a kind of steady state, she hasn't lost weight in a while (thank god) and eats the same ritualized thing daily and everything has leveled off somehow. She has many physical pains, but does talk to a doctor weekly. She is also busy raising funds for helping eating disorders... amazing and ironic and heartbreaking.

Poems by Caron

The poems that appear below were written by and copyrighted to Caron.

This poem was composed by Caron after the intervention. She dedicated it to all of those who were involved in the intervention process.

NO WORDS LEFT
I am at a loss for words,
something that rarely ever happens,
about my true feelings and the depth of them for you.
You are a beautiful gift, an inspiration, and a blessing;
an angel-I swear-of some kind, in my life-
that is the whole truth;
if only you really knew.
The thoughts or the pain that I may have
or even seem to feel just because,
for the first time in a long time
or even in my entire life, for that matter,
I have built and developed something so incredibly true,
sincere, honest, and real.
You showed me the depth of our friendship;
your love, concern, and words said it all.
For the first time in a long time,
I put my fears aside
as I allowed you to break through
and climb over the glass and stonewall.
You didn't betray or leave me as I expected
and thought you would do;
And, truly, stuck by me through all the good,
the bad and through thick and thin.
And the best part of all
was that you didn't even care about the outcome
or who would win.
One thing for certain, I have no doubt about,
is that I am so lucky
to have such an amazing and dedicated friend like you,
with such purity and immense support.
And the truth is that I love you so very deeply
and appreciate all that you have done,
no matter how it may look
or if I, too, may seem to fall short.
This kind of friendship is truly rare,
special, and 'one of a kind';
full of unconditional love,
support, caring, understanding, and honesty,
something that should not be taken for granted.

Written by Caron
('Angel of Life')
July 27, 1996

Fear And Alone

I just want out-
how much more clear can I be
Somewhere to go and hide with no body to have to see
My life is so empty- my heart aches
such a void
But no matter what I do, God,
you won't let me go or die
there must be a reason
as I know that there always is.

But how much more can I take
how much more harm and damage must I cause myself
before what is known as ultimately being the end

I am aware of the few who love and care about me
but, believe me, they too will realize
that they are better off without me.
I have hurt too many and affected too many lives,
causing too much pain to those I love-

I know deep down in my heart that
they would truly be better off without me...
if only they would believe.

-Caron F.
June 10th, 1996

Alone is how I feel especially with no one to love me any where near
Oh God how I am so scared since there are so many things that I have never
shared
Why do people hate me so or why do they like to hurt me so much?
What did I do in my life that could have been so bad to deserve to be in so
much pain?
Maybe I cannot recall or maybe I am just too plain ignorant, but I don't
understand.
Years of torment bottled up inside
my inner child is reaching, crying, screaming out for help, aching inside--
Why can't or won't anyone listen or pay attention?
What will it take to finally be noticed?
I have lost.
There is no more to lose, and god, I have no where left to go.
They have robbed me blind, my soul is gone and slowly, soon, my spirit will
be too.
Why now?
Is it my fault?
Is this the end? This was life?
When will the pain stop?
When will it go away?
How much sicker must I become before the hurt and pain I am in, and this
awful disease,
finally can be taken seriously?
When will they finally judge people on the inside and not on the outside?
What about the person I am on the inside of this body? Doesn't that count
for something?
When can the pain disappear and the love start to come in?
Or is it really too late??

-Caron F.
written for the men who sexually abused me
June 1996, age 22

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