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A Reflection of My Past
by: Colleen

Grown from my innocence, lodged in my shame
    Hatred and guilt keep me from facing the pain

Shaking from deprivation, anger, unmet needs
    An absence of food and feeling lets confusion and denial breed

Over and over I punish myself, desperately wanting to heal
    In lonely isolation I shut down, refuse to feel

Thinking I've lost my very soul, I'm numb yet freezing cold
    In desperation I feed a hunger I can no longer hold

The silent screams of rage, the flood of unshed tears
    The not yet spoken words of truth get lost among the fear

I hang onto the past, convinced that I'm to blame
    For the sins of the abuse, the rape, the food, it's all the same

What once was trapped inside me, overwhelming yet hidden from sight
    Now stares me in the face, threatening, ready to fight

Trying to reclaim my life, I fall back to what I know
    It doesn't work, it doesn't help, yet I refuse to let it go

Fearful and uncertain, I try so hard to believe
    Reading the words I've written, for one small child I grieve

In my reflection I see her face, grown older than her years
    I try to trust her wisdom, I try to keep her near

It seems so long ago, the secrets of my past
    I turn around, take one last look and hope my faith will last

©2001 Colleen. Reprinted with Permission.

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