This is how December started for me. With a couple pay-phone phone calls on my voice mail from Caron, announcing herself back into my life. She had been absent for nearly six months and I was beginning to wonder and worry and tell myself to let go. Though she didn't have a phone number of her own, I waited for her to call again, and last week she did, and then, she came to see me at work.

WOW. She was actually glowing. Her cheeks were not shrunking in, hallow, and grey. They were rosy. Her hair was not falling out, it was long and curly and full. She told me she nearly died six months ago. She was staying with a boyfriend who beat her up and she found a tiny light of courage and she called the police on him. Once he was away from her, she begun to give herself more credit and more attention and more food. She was sick of being sick and wanted to take a "second chance" head on. Over the past months, she has been eating, trying her best (some bad days, some good), challanging herself to eat just a little more than she is comfortable with, etc. And she started feeling better quickly. My guess is Caron was so used to a state of being with an absolute lack of nutrition, that it didn't take much to make her feel 100% better. Not so weak, not so cold constantly, able to sleep more, able to think more clearly (some of you reading are all too familiar with the "anorexic fog" that your mind can get lost in, when you become just dazed and dumb).

Things are good. Her weight is up. She limps from the broken hip, this is most likely permanent. Her teeth are damaged severly, this is permanent. She is not completely free. She tells me she has binged-and-purged a couple times and has restricted in moments of anxiety too. She still uses drugs. Things are good but things are not over. Things are only good because they were simply so extremly worse before. But I work at an eating disorder hospital and I am aware that her quick weight gain, brought on by her body's desperation for nutrition and a traumatized metabolism, can actually be dangerous for her heart if she does not keep her meal plan steady. I know that she had done permanent and serious damage to her bones (spine and hips) and internal organs. I don't know how much speed she is doing and I am not fooled that she may have gained weight to please others, in fact I am still worried, its just different now. She did not enter into therapy, she says she has attended a couple of support groups, but as far as I know she has not received the professional help that is required to keep her from self-destruction. I believe her hurts and issues are all still there, perhaps hiding behind the drug addiction while the anorexia lays dormant for a while. I don't know. Perhaps I ought not be so negative.

It IS amazing. It really is. I cried after I hugged her and she was actually there, I mean there was something to hug and I wasn't afraid I'd break her. She thanked me. That was very special for me. But as soon as she entered my life, she left again. I haven't heard from her and I may not for a while again. She moves from hotel to friend's house to hotel. She has a new boyfriend who is very nice. She has many friends, they are druggies as well and they have a blast but they are never sober.

But she is doing something right, she is still alive. She still has me in awe. Her story is still worth telling you.

Happy Holidays and thank you for all of your loving e-mail support. I will report back in 1999.