The following story is about a young woman named Caron who has been battling anorexia. This story is shared through the eyes of her friend, Lisa Arndt.

Please be warned that some of the information may be very triggering if you suffer from an Eating Disorder yourself.

June 1996

June 1st, 1996

Just wanted to check in. First, I adore the memorial site you are setting up. It is passionate and inspirational and I think will have a strong impact. I hope a lot of people will be effected, and I hope a lot of people will send names & stories of loved ones who have died to put a face and SOUL on this disease. I remain full of hope.

Caron is hanging in there, fighting for her life every day. She is throwing up blood, which she believes is a sign from God (though she says she doesn't know what the message is yet). She has a hard time swallowing now. Her throat is torn up from the self-induced vomiting and that is causing open sores internally to bleed (hence her throwing up blood) and making it very painful for her to swallow anything.

Her skin color is also become quite disturbing. It is a yellow-grey color. I've become used to it, but I realize it still shocks people who haven't seen her in a while. On the brighter side, she has a lot more energy these days. She is making plans to publish her writing (she writes poetry) and wants to do another talk show. She still talks about opening a recovery center.

Cynthia and I support all of her dreams and are delighted with her newfound energy. But it is also PROFOUNDLY HEARTBREAKING because her health keeps detiorating and despite her positive talking, she is not eating any better (still one yogurt a day). I am praying harder than ever now.

Humbly yours,
Lisa

June 5th, 1996

Caron is still fighting strong. She has a lot of chest pains and her doctor wants to do an EKG, but she doesn't feel like she "deserves" it (because he'd do it for free, she has no money, and she knows how expensive they are). Cynthia and I are desperately trying to convince her otherwise. however, even if they did one and found something wrong, she'd refuse to be treated for it... so... it's a difficult thing.

Lisa

June 6th, 1996

I just got off the phone with Caron, who is scared and alone at Cynthia's apartment. Cynthia is in the hospital, she has pancreatitis. She will be okay, but the whole thing has scared Caron a lot (and raised my blood pressure a bit). Ironic how Caron has managed to stay out of hospitals, yet Cynthia's health isn't holding up. I feel very helpless. I can't make Caron's fears go away, even though I reassure her that Cynthia will be fine... Caron thinks this might be her fault because Cynthia has been under so much stress taking care of Caron. Of couse I told her it wasn't, but Caron feels guilty for breathing these days, and in certain moods she can't be talked out of it. I'm afraid of what the real and imagined stress that Caron is dealing with will do to her fragile body. She threw up a lot of blood last night and today is "punishing" herself by not taking anything in to her system.

I am holding tight. We're just going to have to pull through this one... Cynthia should be out of the hospital in a couple days. I check in with Caron constantly, but there aren't enough words to comfort her right now.

Staying strong for both Caron & Cynthia,
Lisa

June 9th, 1996

Hi... it's been a very tough week. Cynthia is out of the hospital and is going to be okay. She will need surgery in the future but for now just needs rest. Caron has been extremely distressed over Cynthia's sickness. Caron took syrup of Ipecac (a posion abused by bulimics sometimes to induce vomiting) while Cynthia was in the hospital because she felt she deserved to be punished. As a result, Caron was sick as a dog all day long and her body took a huge blow.

This added deterioation has caused Caron to lose blood (she vomits blood daily now due to tears in her esophogous from the vomiting). She can't afford to lose a lot of blood, as you can imagine. She has bruised easily for a while now, because she is anemic, but since she took Ipecac she has developed HUGE bruises on her legs that look like she was hit with a baseball bat (they are very dark and large). This is due to weak capallaries and a lack of blood platelets. She is bleed internally (that's what bruising is) and losing more blood. With her cuts in her throat and the bruising, it's hard to tell how much blood she can tolerate losing... her blood pressure has dropped considerabably. I am scared.

Her body is fighting to stay alive. I have been told by doctors that the body will continue to let things go that are not "vital" to her heart beating. Eventually, though, the body will eat the brain and other organs in order to keep itself going. The body is an organism that simply wants to live, and Caron is a testimony to that wonder. The anorexia is very powerful at this point, obviously, and it is waging a war like I've never seen before. I don't know what to do. I don't think there is anything I can do.

I talk to Caron constantly now, assuring her she is loved and giving her strength. She is in extreme physical pain and emotional agony. It is a torture I can't imagine.

I wish I had something positive to offer you. I feel like I want to comfort everyone who has written me and has read this page... Please know I have not given up. As long as Caron is fighting then I am, with a billion times more energy and hope.

Love and Strength...
Lisa

June 19th, 1996

Caron moved out of Cynthia's house today, to an apartment across the street. I am glad she is so close to Cynthia but I am worried about her living on her own. Her health continues to deterioate... she has non-stop bone pain, joint pain, and muscle pain from the malnutrition. Her body is slowly eating itself.

Cynthia is also having problems with her own anorexia. She is under a lot of stress, raising a four year old, caring for Caron, and dealing with a shakey marriage. Cynthia is so selfless, she neglects herself to care for others (a common trait of anorexics). Caron does the same thing- and so the two of them get together and try to nurture each other. It is tearing me apart to watch them. They love each other and have beautiful intentions, but neither of them are taking care of themselves. I am at a complete LOSS of what to do...

Cynthia does have a therapist and doctor and nutritionist, so she is supported by professionals. Caron, though, remains stubbornly against treatment and is willing to tolerate extreme pain rather than see a doctor.

I work with anorexics, I have been anorexic, but I don't think I understand the degree that Caron's anorexia has taken her...

I cherish every moment with her.

Lisa

June 20th Summer Solstice

Memorial Day with Caron

Thank you for all your e-mail.

You are all truly gifts in my life right now.

Sadly, I am having to go off-line for a while.

CARON IS OKAY... She is hanging in there, and I WILL continue to post updates regularly.

The ONLY change is that I cannot RECIEVE e-mail for a little while.

But I hope you will stay with me in spirit and keep checking the web site for updates on Caron.

Take good care!! I'll miss you... Love LISA

June 28th

Caron is doing okay (no new health problems, but the same ones continue to wear her down)... she has started a support group for other anorexics and has moved into her own apartment accross the street from Cynthia. She has been cooking a lot lately. She bakes and makes jewlery and drinks coffee during the day. She says she has binged and purged a couple times this past week. But she is in good spirits... we laughed a lot yesterday.

Cynthia is still relapsing, and her doctors are trying to get her into a day patient program. Caron says she is understanding what it is like for me to watch her get sick, because she is watching Cynthia now. When I see them both, two skeletal beautiful sad ladies, I feel horribably helpless.

Blessed be...
Lisa

June 30th BLUE MOON

Cynthia is in the hospital again. She is on a feeding tube. She needs to gain weight in order to attend a day program. It is truly scary to see her-- how she devotes so much of her precious energy to helping Caron, yet she is neglecting herself. I think this is a common trap for us eating disordered personalities: to take care of everyone else and ignore ourselves. Caron is worried and upset seeing Cynthia in a hospital bed. I am frightened of losing BOTH of them now.

Caron was interviewed to be a part of a book on anorexia the other day. She is holding strong, determined to survive. She is decorating her new apartment with angels and positive things. She is starting a free support group for eating disorders.

Meanwhile, the three of us struggle along... Before Cynthia went back to the hospital we all went to get coffee and so many people stopped to stare and these two emaciated creatures by my side. I wish people could see the kindness & beautiful souls captured inside their aching skeletal frames... I guess I always wanted to people to see past my outer shell too. That's part of it, isn't it??

Love & Endless Unanswerable Universal Questions,
Lisa

Caron's story is about a young woman battling anorexia. It is shared through the eyes of her friend, Lisa Arndt.

read July, 1996 >>

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