The following story is about a young woman named Caron who has been battling anorexia. This story is shared through the eyes of her friend, Lisa Arndt.

Please be warned that some of the information may be very triggering if you suffer from an Eating Disorder yourself.

May 1996

May 1st, 1996

Hi... I don't know where this bit would "belong" on your web page, if at all. I am in recovery from anorexia, as is my friend Cynthia. However, Cynthia and I are currently taking care of Caron. That is who I want to ask you about...

Caron is 22 years old. I don't know how she is still alive. I was on a talk show with her two months ago, and we thought that she was at her lowest weight ever. Instead she continues to lose. She has an array of medical problems, which include: blurred vision, loss of bowel control, muscle atrophy, osteoporosis, hypothermia, low blood pressure/sugar and heart rate, amenorrhea, etc. She also has brain damage.

My question is, with end-stage anorexia there is often brain damage, because the body eats the brain, right? At this point, Caron is refusing any and all treatment (although the talk show tried to give her some). Is her brain damage a reason for refusing help?? She throws up blood and bleeds through the rectum. Most people would go to the E.R. if that happened, she won't. She passes out a lot, but comes back too fast, so Cynthia & I can't get her to an E.R. against her will. She is an adult and can decide to refuse treatment.

I thought maybe someone would know what this is like... I work in the field of eating disorders (at a hospital called The Rader Institute, if anyone wants more info on that call 1-800-841-1515) and I have never seen such a drastic anorexic. What can a friend do????

Please post this or respond or do whatever it is that you can. I am completly out of resources. She is Canadian, by the way, and refuses to go the the Montreux Clinic too. I have called the police on her twice this past month, but they do not feel anorexia is suicide, so they will not take her for treatment against her will. And, as you know, the anorexic stubborn will is determined to take this farther & farther.

At this stage, can her tortured body even survive the "re-feeding" if she were to agree to help?? And how, if there is a typical way, do anorexics die? Is it common for them to become delusional? Caron is. Please help, my heart is breaking and so is hers.

My e-mail is: [email protected]

Please write "LISA" in the subject title because I share this mailbox. I fear that Caron will die in the streets of Los Angeles any day now.... I want to do something MORE but I don't know how.

Thanks for your time,
LISA ARNDT

May 9th, 1996

She has become more paranoid and confused lately. She still makes herself throw up the non-fat frozen yogurt she eats after 6pm (you recognize the ritual behavior, I'm sure). She has been smoking a lot of pot, which I am all for, only because she is in such serious physical pain and the pot relaxes her and makes her time a least tolerable... Her list of physical ailments continues. But what is worse is her constant sadness and desperation. She is very stuck in a "victim" role with the world and has an awful time trusting anyone. She absolutely refuses to get medical help. She has threatened Cynthia and I (the only people still willing to take care of her at this point) that if we try to involve the medical or psychiatric profession in her life, she will walk- live on the streets- and, as she says, be happier as a hooker than as a patient.

I realize that sounds wild- it is, but Caron is very determined and angry and intent on not being a patient. She has, in quieter moments, confessed to me that she would practice "every anorexic trick in the book" if she were to be forced into treatment. I believe her.

She also tells me she fears for her life, for the first time in the last 13 years of her disease. Yet she does not want the help that she knows of (treatment centers, hospitals, etc.). She says she just wants to feel loved. I give her that as much as I humanly can, but that love will not fix her body.

I have since learned that her body is in a "homeostasis" (a regular pattern) of losing weight, and, oddly, she has a better chance at living longer if she keeps up the same, regular pattern of anorexia. See, the body would go into shock if she suddenly ate soild food. A break in the "homeostasis" would most likely lead to a heartattack. Isn't that ironic??

However, there is no way to tell how low a weight she can get to. I never thought she could get this far. Many "specialists" in the area (I live in Los Angeles, by the way) have talked to me and say she shouldn't be able to walk around at this weight. I am starting to think that Caron is an angel of some kind.

I am also starting to pray for her soul to find peace. On a hourly basis Caron is in severe physical pain and crying about her emotional pain. I can not stand the amount of torture she is in. I have been depressed, even suicidal, before but this kind of living hell is impossible to imagine. She amazes me in every aspect.

At this point I am only able to offer love to Caron, as she has made it clear that she wants nothing else. I do remind her (a lot) that she can change her mind on that one... In addition, we are in the process of setting up a "durable power of attorney" so that Cynthia and I may "pull the plug" if Caron goes into a hepatic coma (a very likely thing at this point, if her liver fails). Caron wants this. I guess part of me understands that... while part of me also screams: but you are still ALIVE after all of this- there has got to be a reason- maybe you should find out why, etc.

Okay, my new friends, that is all for today. I apologize for my week-long silence. I hope no one was stressed out by it. I will continue to report on what is happening. I thank you again with all that I have for the kindness you have shared with me. I treasure it.

If Caron only knew how many people love, maybe she'd want to try harder. I don't know.

Lisa

May 12th, 1996

This decision of Life Or Death is up to Caron, as it is up to all of us DAILY to choose life over death (in the costume of anorexia or bulimia or anything). Many people have asked about Peggy Claude Pierre's Montreauz Clinic, and Caron knows about the Montreaux Clinic, as do I, and though Caron is actually from Canada (meaning it would be covered on her health plan)....she says she would never go there because she doesn't want to be locked up or "treated" by anyone. She is convinced that she would lose control, lose independence, and lose her identity. I know that is the disease talking, but it is so strong right now that it won't let anything else through.

These days, when I do bring up the idea of any kind of treatment (outpatient, inpatient, medical, psychiatric, etc.) Caron gets very angry & upset. Then she has health problems due to the anxiety (like headaches, stomach aches, the urge to purge - which she indulges) and tells me that if I hadn't mentioned those treatment options she wouldn't have had such a bad day physically or emotionally (stress & fear).

As you can imagine, this shuts me up right away. My other approach is pure honesty- my fear for her life and my love for her. This seems to work a little better, though she still refuses treatment, and she asks me just to love & accept her as she is now. This is all she wants, she tells me. This will keep her calm, stress-free, and maybe the "chance" to get better on her own. (I don't know if she can get better on her own anymore... maybe when she was heavier, but not now).

So this is where I am today. Stuck to simply love her while she actively chooses death by anorexia over life. I have never been in such a horrid position (though I work in the field of eating disorders myself). I saw her yesterday and she asked me why God was keeping her alive in so much pain. And she asked me why Cynthia and I still love her, because she is "such a burden" and "brings so much pain" into our lives. She wanted to know why anyone cared about her, because her own family never has...

I had no answers.

THANK YOU everyone for your letters & prayers. At this point, prayers are what Caron needs and that is really all anyone can give her... Thank you again. Your support is precious to me right now.

Blessed be...
Lisa

May 14th, 1996

Lisa received e-mail recently regarding her relationship with Caron. The writer offered a suggestion - exercise "tough love" because "you are enabling her to continue this behavior." Here is Lisa's response to that letter (posted at her request).

Hi. I just got your message and I mostly agree with you. A friend of mine at work (I work at an eating disorders hospital, ironically) also tells me I'm playing the great role of enabler. I know a lot about that term, intellectually, but I guess not a whole lot emotionally.

My problem with NOT forcing her, kicking and screaming, to a hospital is: people have tried it (I, in fact, have tried it with a 911 call) and Caron simply walks away. She has walked out of an emergency room before, and has talked her way out of an involuntary committment, and continues to convince her medical doctor that she would not benefit from being in a hospital. Whenever I approach this subject, Caron threatens to run away and live on the streets. She tells me she is an adult and has the 'right' to do what she wants (not eating, for example). She also says if she were forced anywhere she would escape and/or use every trick in the book to keep her anorexia going. She has been hospitalized three times and got away with a lot of stuff.

All that aside, I am aware that I am "enabling" her to continue in her disease....

#1. SO, I can still call the police (again) and hope they committ her (they haven't the last two times). But they probably won't because in the books anorexia is not conisdered to be an active form of suicide (obviously I could argue that it is with Caron at this point, but trust me, the police in L.A. do not have time to deal with anorexics, I have talked to them about it before).

#2. SO, I can try to become her medical gaurdian. This is a legal thing which would give me the right to make medical decisions. This would take (at least) two months. I would need a lawyer (I work parttime and have little money). If I did this, and she was still alive in two months, and won... I would decide to put her into a hospital on a feeding tube. However, because I was the legal gaurdian, I would also be responsbible for her medical bills. Guess what? I can't afford the amount of care she needs. So then I'm the evil medical guardian who can't pay.

#3. SO, I can tell her "family" who doesn't really exist, only her mother. Her mother lives in Canada and doesn't have money nor an invested interest in helping her daughter. I have spoken with this woman many times. She loves Caron, I believe, but she has her own problems and doesn't seem to want to put her daughter first. She knows how sick Caron is. She does NOT make any move to do anything. She came out here in January and saw her daughter and cried. But she got right back on the plane without providing Caron with any help and not a lot of support either. She goes back and forth, she'll yell at Caron, tell her she is worthless, then she will tell her she loves Caron and wants her to get better. Right now, she is thinking of moving to Israel. But she isn't going to do a whole lot more. She won't send money for food at this point. Caron's mother is not a source of help.

#4. SO, I am running out of options. The Leeza Gibbons show that we were on in February agreed to pay for a therapist (outpatient only). But no therapist will see Caron right now (if she would go herself) because she is mentally unable to respond to therapy. She is medically unstable, and a therapist's license would be at risk at this point. I consulted about all of this with Carolyn Costin, MFCC, who is a local leader in the eating disorders field. There is only one recovery center that will NOT charge Caron thousands of dollars (the place I work at, for example, costs one thousand dollars a day) and that is in Atlanta (we live in California) and it is a Catholic recovery home. The problem is, Caron refuses to go there. It is not a locked unit so she couldn't be held against her will, and she can NOT travel in this medical stage anyway.

#5. SO, I can see straight anymore. It's true, I am "too" invovled. If you see something that I have overlooked, PLEASE tell me. I am still open to suggestions. If I could truly save her life, I would ABSOLUTELY risk her being angry at me. I guess I haven't found an option that would save her life yet. I'm trying, I'm looking, and I'm grateful for this Web Site because it is teaching me.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONEST LETTER. I APPRECIATE IT. PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE. I'M SENDING A COPY TO THE WEB SITE WOMAN-- IT MIGHT HELP EXPLAIN THINGS MORE. I DON'T KNOW. I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOUR INPUT.

Love, Lisa

P.S. I have also called a mental health emergency team, they will not take her because her medical condition. I have also called an emergency room, they will take her, but I must bring her there... and they would have to let her go if she wanted to because she is an adult and they must obey the law. What else can I try????

UPDATE for May 14th, 1996

The most up-to-date (you can decide to post or not) on Caron is that she found out about the Web page and is very angry at me. She feels betrayed because she thinks I'm "plotting" to force her into a hospital. She revamped her threats to run away if I tried anything. I spent time in the middle of the night trying to calm her down and explain my desire to help her, not hurt her. Caron has a very hard time trusting anyone because she has been so violently taken advantage of in her past. I am going to give her copies of some of the wonderful, supportive e-mails I have recieved. I hope these will help her see the love that myself and others are trying to offer.

Please understand that Caron is very sick and she assumes everyone is out to hurt her. She is suspicious of loving, kind things because she is not used to them. I was very scared last night about her health because she was so upset, but she is much better this morning and I think it's going to pass. But there are so many 'close calls' like this with her. Whenever something happens that is upsetting, Caron falls apart and questions her desire to live altogether. I understand pain, I do. How can I possibly convince someone to live when their experience of living has been mostly painful and traumatic?

I don't know if I can. So I will keep loving and telling her over and over again that I am not out to hurt her. I think she will like the letters. They have helped ME anyway.

May 19th, 1996

Hi all... I received this letter from Lisa over the weekend. I thought I'd share it with you all as the newest update.

Hi Amy-

Thank you for all your work in setting up and editing the web page. I appreciate the time that must take... And yes, I agree that the usual "enabler" rules don't apply much anymore in this situation. I'm familiar with the term and role from my work at Rader with family/loved ones of eating disordered patients. But I could, at this point, not be supportive or loving at all and Caron would continue her anorexia. Most of the time, I hear her disease talking. There is very little of the real Caron left. Her disease talks about feeling fat still, even at this point, and how no one cares or understands. Her disease talks about all the pain that she has gone through and how no one can be trusted and she is not loveable, etc. Every now and then the real Caron will tell me she is scared. But even the real Caron will argue with me that treatment centers/hospitals are not the answer because she will simply work harder to destroy herself in them. Yesterday she was talking about running away (we hadn't threatened her this time even) just because she didn't want to burden Cynthia or me anymore. We assured her that she wasn't a burden and we loved her, and that if she ran away we would be more "burdened" with worry. She stayed, but she repeated over & over to us about NOT going to get help. Not to the Montreaux Clinic, specifically, she said. She doesn't trust any of these methods and thinks she'll die if she was forced against her will, simply because she would be so upset that her body would give up along with her.... Ironic, huh? We all think that is the only way she'll live. She tells me she KNOWS that she would die in a hospital because she wouldn't want to live there.

Anyway... I will write more later.
Have a great day.
LOVE, LISA

May 27th, 1996

Memorial Day with Caron

Dear Amy,

Yes-- I am also still in contact with the Leeza Show. They are planning on doing an update next season (they are done for this season) but I am afraid Caron may not be around for another show. In the meantime, we are actually talking with The Maury Povich show about doing something.

Regardless, I should tell you how Caron is doing these days...

She has gained a slight amount of weight, but has gone back to an earlier routine of throwing up every day. She has also had two out-of-body experiences (she describes them that way) and a high fever. Yet she keeps fighting. She has been talking recently about starting up a recovery center to help severe anorexics like herself. While I support her dreams, and know they are important for her to keep fighting, I can't ignore the irony that she wants to help others but not herself. It makes me very sad. I feel powerless over this tiny woman because her anorexia has grown to be so large.

Thank you for all your support- everyone who has written has been a gem. Caron has been reading some of the e-mails and she likes them now. She appreciates the fact that other people are so open and willing to be supportive and share their stories... as do I. Please keep her in your thoughts.

Blessed be...
Lisa

Caron's story is about a young woman battling anorexia. It is shared through the eyes of her friend, Lisa Arndt.

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